For every primary caregiver out there, you will find at least double the number of long distance or secondary caregivers who may see the person being cared for on a sporadic basis. The aspect of not knowing what is happening on a day-to-day level, combined with often having little or no say in what care is being provided, is a lethal stress bomb waiting to blow.
Family members living away from the person being cared for experience pain and uncertainty. They are often feeling guilty and helpless in not being able to contribute directly to the care of their loved one and can begin to experience a strong sense of isolation at being left out of the decision-making process. This can often result in family members leaping in to fix or rescue a loved one. In the extreme, legal action is commenced when, in retrospect, forewarning interested parties of changes to a loved one’s care, residence and health status could defuse such conflict. In fairness to the primary caregiver, it is often easier to make most of those decisions on the spot. Taking time to call family is not always possible or realistic in the everyday issues that arise.
If you are a primary caregiver, try to refrain from telling other family members not to worry or that everything is under control. Ancillary, albeit infrequent caregivers need to know about conditions at home in order to effectively contribute to the care of a loved one. Offering regular and honest updates on your loved one’s condition goes a long way towards accomplishing this. Remember other family members are not there everyday and do not see the subtle changes that might occur. Allow their input on decisions by either emailing or leaving a telephone message. You may not always agree, but if the end result is what is best for your loved one, all family will feel better having had a chance to express an opinion. At the very least, you can justify your decision to take action when nobody else would communicate or provide other alternatives.
As for ancillary caregivers, one of the few things you can do is be sure to find a way to give the primary provider some respite. Encourage them to have your loved one visit you, or better yet, visit them periodically. By supporting each other in this manner, all caregivers, regardless of the part they play in monitering the needs of an elderly parent, will come to a better understanding of the needs of each other, as well as their loved one.
Ms. MacDonald’s practice is limited to Estate Planning, Probate and Elder Law. Ms. MacDonald maintains her practice in the Santa Clarita Valley at 27013 Langside Avenue, Suite A, Santa Clarita. She can be reached at 661-251-1300.