People follow similar patterns in establishing relationships. Is it because it’s effective, or because it’s familiar? If your approach to relationship is different from the norm, will you end up being rejected? A major fear is open communication. Though people realize that communication is important for a healthy relationship, they start relationships fearful of too much communication. Expose too much too soon and your partner will probably feel that you’re rushing the relationship or fear that the openness will limit opportunities by presenting potential obstacles or the additional vulnerability can be used against them or the facts presented will reduce the romance and make the relationship too mechanical.
Facts don’t rush relationships; unlike unrealistic expectations, predetermined time frames and pressure. Sharing our preferences, what we have discovered to work or not work for us, lets our partner know us better. Having a clear picture allows us to determine whether we fit into that picture and if the picture is the right fit for all involved.
We fear that sharing too much will cause people to lose interest before they get to know us. Whether they learn about these facts early or later, if those facts are seen as negative, the relationship won’t be appreciated. Do you really want to hook someone before revealing these facts, causing them to feel stuck and staying out of obligation? It’s better to reveal the facts and not invest with someone who isn’t comfortable with and appreciates the person you really are.
Revealing too much can be scary. The way to limit this is to learn to read people better. Don’t settle for people you can’t feel totally safe with. If there are signs from the past or present that cause you to question safety, then don’t work on developing a relationship with that person. Be realistic; don’t look for a “bad boy” and then expect to feel safe. Only reveal what you feel safe to reveal, but question any relationship that limits what you can reveal.
Facts don’t reduce romance they actually enhance it. With the facts, we aren’t stumbling around, hoping to find the right combination. We’re given the tools, allowing us, from the beginning, to creatively use them to build and enhance the relationship, for we know that everything we do will work. We feel free to be creative, as it eliminates the fear of rejection and failure.
Clear, open and honest communication is helpful in determining compatibility. Without the facts, we only see our fantasies. Developing fantasies without facts can lead to great disappointment, yet people find that these fantasies energize them, creating the intensity we associate with falling in love. Find someone that you can communicate freely with and your future will be much brighter.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.