Parents and partners often feel that helping loved ones to change shows they care about these people. How can we let them flounder, or be less than their potential, if we truly care? Though our thoughts and feelings may be in the right place, we need to observe the outcome of our actions.
When we feel that others are attempting to change us, we feel negatively judged by those people. Obviously, they aren’t satisfied with the person we are. Are they sharing their preferences or telling us that we are defective, and won’t be accepted, if we don’t conform to their expectations? We determine this based on how the information is presented to us.
In sharing our preferences, we share discoveries, not “you should,” threats or manipulative “if you care” statements. When people anticipate someone saying that they are wrong and should correct their way, those people often just don’t respond. Realizing that they can’t be accepted for who they are, they shut down communication.
In sharing preferences without obligation to change, we allow people to analyze the information and be more receptive to applying it. Our defenses rise rapidly when we feel our choice has been eliminated. We tend to resist people changing us, for no matter how much we change, we fear they feel that we could change more, leaving us to feel that we’ll never be good enough. Rather than attempting to please the other person and failing, we choose to not change.
When we grab onto strong causes and beliefs, we’ll often become judgmental of others who don’t agree with us. To be heard, we must choose our approach based on what is receptive to the other. Present information in the language the receiver will understand. Multiple children raised alike won’t turn out the same. We must personalize our approach to the individual. Don’t assume that what works for one will, or should, work for all.
People react aggressively, passive-aggressively or silently when told what to do. Unlike women, who readily seek out input, men assume they’ve failed at being a man when others tell them what to do, as they’ve been socialized to believe that they “should” have all the answers. Is your approach effective, or does it shut down communication or cause conflict? We appreciate input from others when we believe we’re allowed a choice to apply it or not. Relationships aren’t opportunities to change people; they’re opportunities to discover compatibility. Prioritize compatibility, not potential, in your choice of partners. Respect, admire and appreciate people for who they are, not for the potential of who they could become. This will lead to less conflict and greater closeness in any relationship.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.