“Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them. Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them. Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him. Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it,” Pamela Glenconner
Does divorce traumatize children? The answer depends on two factors: the child’s resiliency and the environment created by divorce. People are unique in their personal makeup. Some experience events like they’re made of Teflon – it just slides off. Others experience events as severe trauma – they are enduringly influenced. While parents can do no more for the former, once they have left their DNA, they have a great deal of influence over the latter.
How can parents help to minimize the risk of trauma to children during and after divorce?
Parent to child:
• Provide space for children to express their fears, sadness and sense of loss.
• Make clear that the divorce was not their fault.
• Reassure them that they will be safe.
• Create a stable routine and appropriate discipline.
• Give them ample advance notice of changes whenever possible.
• Avoid making your child a source for your emotional support.
Between parents:
• Support your child’s relationship with their other parent and avoid negative comments about them.
• Keep the specifics of the divorce between yourselves – because it is.
• Avoid using children to communicate between parents – or report on them.
• Avoid conflict and argument in the presence of the children.
• When possible, speak to your children together to reassure them they are loved by you both.
• Find ways to communicate with each other that eliminate (or reduce) hostility.
Parent to self:
• Maintain and/or build a support system from extended family and friends.
• Consider an individual or group organized or professional support.
• Strive for balance in your life despite the stresses (eat well, exercise, and nourish your spirit).
• Set goals and prioritize issues you need to address.
• Inform yourself of the challenges faced in divorce and co-parenting.
• Be forgiving and accepting of yourself – there’s probably enough guilt in the system already.
Some of the indicators that children are experiencing the divorce in a traumatic way are:
• Increased moodiness
• Negative self-comments (i.e., “No one likes me.” “I hate myself.” “I’m dumb.”)
• Withdrawal or losing interest in things they used to like.
• Sleep or eating problems.
• Drug or alcohol use.
• Uncharacteristic anger outbursts or fighting.
• Loss of concentration.
When parents divorce, they don’t divorce the children.
For more information contact the Center for Cooperative Divorce at (661) 255-9348 or visit us online at www.centerforcooperativedivorce.com.