I know I like you, but how will I know if you’ll like me? I want you to like me, but how much personal compromise can I allow, in winning you over? How high of a cost am I willing to pay before my value diminishes in my eyes and the eyes of others? Do I deserve a treasure as valuable as you?
We’ve all experienced this questioning in our lives. We see someone who sparks something special in us and start fantasizing about being this person’s partner. The unknown leads us to feel overwhelmed with all the “what ifs.” Specific aspects of the person usually trigger these intense attractions, rather than any deep understanding of the total package. Though the intensity of the feeling is wonderful, it can often get in the way of developing a healthy relationship, for it clouds our minds and blocks our ability to see total reality.
By seeing people as more valuable than we are, we put ourselves beneath them. This leads us toward diminished self-esteem; resulting in healthy potential partners avoiding us for fear we’ll drag them down, while others will see us as easy marks to take advantage of. Healthy relationships are based on equality; so don’t look for someone to raise you to a level you can’t sustain. Develop yourself the best you can before seeking a partner.
Identify what this attraction is? Is it hormonal or based on true compatibility? Though the hormonal attraction feels very good, will it endure over time? This is important when deciding to choose either short-term or long-term relationships. Know what you’re seeking before you dive in and make sure that what you’re seeking is available in this person.
The best way to find someone who will truly like and love you is by being totally open and honest with that person. The quickest way to turn someone off is for that person to discover that you aren’t what you present. Never make promises that you don’t plan on prioritizing. By giving your potential partner an accurate view of who you are, rather than who you want to be, you’ll be more likely to attract someone who truly appreciates you. If you want your partner to like you, then find a partner who focuses on what exists, not your potential.
The most important part of being liked is realizing that no legitimate partner will like you if you don’t like yourself. Rather than being a caricature or seeking someone who will provide you a life that you can’t provide yourself, discover how you can create a happy and fulfilling life of your own. Then, when someone joins that life, each will have something special to offer.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.