Upon entering a conversation about domestic violence, I often hear one or more of the following statements or questions:
• Why does she put up with it? She must like it or she wouldn’t go back.
• Domestic violence isn’t an issue in middle class communities.
• Why should we as Santa Claritians care?
• Doesn’t abuse occur in mostly lower economic areas or among people of color?
• Can men be the victims of domestic violence too?
• How does domestic violence affect us in Santa Clarita?
The answers to these questions and many more regarding domestic violence are complex and much more difficult to address simply. It is important, however, to understand that domestic violence affects all of us as a society, and it is necessary to have a basic understanding of this problem for reasons of humanity as well as for our own self-interest.
In answering the question of why victims often remain with their abusers, one must first imagine themselves in the victim’s place and not pass judgment. Usually, a methodical attack on the victim’s self-worth and esteem has occurred long before physical violence happens. Little by little, that victim’s self is eroded along with the confidence that she has any power to change the situation.
This often starts with simple, hurtful insults made both in private and in front of family and friends that destroy her self image and is often followed by isolating a woman from her family and friends. The abuser will also often attempt to make a victim financially dependent, by either controlling all finances or not allowing the woman to work outside the home. Children are used in a variety of ways to anchor the woman to the relationship or to add guilt.
The question, why does she stay, is more a judgment than anything else. It removes the responsibility of the abuser and transfers it to the victim. It adds shame and insult to an already untenable situation for a battered woman. Instead, we should be asking: why someone assaults the person they are supposed to love?
Domestic violence transcends all socio-economic groups. It is more likely to go unreported or underreported in middle and upper class neighborhoods because of population densities. It is more likely that the sounds of domestic violence will be heard and reported to police in apartment settings versus single-family homes. Domestic violence is using ones physicality to gain power and control over someone they are supposed to be in an equal, loving relationship.
National statistics indicate women are the victims of domestic violence approximately 85 percent of the time and men, 15 percent. Though domestic violence cannot be justified and never condoned or minimized, it is important to differentiate why men and women batter intimate partners. Men batter to gain power and control over intimate partners; women generally batter out of frustration. Additionally, women are much more likely to suffer injuries as well as suffer repeated assaults.
At this point, you may be thinking “so what? I’m not a victim of domestic violence, so how does this affect me?” It is likely that we all already know someone who is suffering some sort of domestic violence, be it physical or emotional, in silence. Out of either fear or embarrassment, many women do not share that they are victims. They fear retribution from their batterer or judgment and disapproval from family and friends. If you suspect a family member or friend is being abused, please offer the victim support and encouragement instead. Encourage them to report the abuse to their local police, and/or contact your community domestic violence center for advice. Without intervention, domestic violence will increase in both frequency and brutality.
Still unsure how domestic violence impacts all of us? Consider the incalculable financial costs that affect all of us. Millions of tax dollars are spent on domestic violence-related issues every year. From police and fire personnel who respond to initial calls for help, to the investigatory process of a criminal investigation through its prosecution, to court costs, incarceration, and lost wages for both victims and abusers, we are all paying for domestic violence. Throw in the cost of social services for families ripped apart by violence and the cost of Child Protective Services who intervene on behalf of shattered children…
Speaking of the children, domestic violence may be the single largest factor in future criminal conduct. Children who witness domestic violence and are therefore victims of family violence are more likely to repeat those patterns as adults than are non-abused children. Not only are male children many times more likely to become abusers themselves and female children more likely to become victims, but there is also a large increase in drug and alcohol use among children who witness family violence. Remember, children learn behavior from what is modeled in their home and from others with whom they have contact. Men in the home teach boys how to treat women and teach girls how they should be treated by men. A male batterer essentially teaches boys that it’s acceptable to batter to get their way while teaching girls that they should accept being battered as part of being loved.
Domestic violence is an assault on the very fabric of a society. Home should be a safe haven for children where they grow into productive, contributing adults through love, support, and encouragement. Domestic violence shatters that very existence and throws a child into complete turmoil. They will often act out in an attempt to focus anger onto themselves and away from the victim parent. They seek out and join gangs and become violent themselves in order to make others suffer similar pain that was foisted upon them. They grow up angry, never learning dispute resolution or coping skills needed for everyday life. They have difficulty with relationships and holding jobs. Intervention is needed to correct problems related to domestic violence.
Still not convinced you are affected by domestic violence?
Consider the probability that your child is right now sitting in a classroom within a few feet of another child who is being subjected to or witnessing domestic violence. That child is more likely to act out in a violent manner. The possible consequences in ignoring domestic and family violence in every community may be too difficult to bear.
The mission of the Domestic Violence Center of the Santa Clarita Valley is to promote and preserve non-violent, non-abusive family systems. To do this, the agency provides emergency shelter; 24-hour hotline; women’s support groups; crisis intervention; individual counseling; children’s therapy; legal service referrals; court-approved Batterer’s Intervention Program; outreach education and community service programs.
The SCV Domestic Violence Center is currently expanding its outreach program in an attempt to reach and assist children, who like their mothers, are victims of domestic violence. It is our hope that you will help with your financial support in this worthwhile program, so that we can intervene and attempt to stem the cycle of violence that is oftentimes generational.
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence, please call 911 in an emergency, or the Domestic Violence Center of the Santa Clarita Valley at 661-259-HELP, or 661-259-8175. Please visit us at www.dvcsantaclarita.com or write to us at P.O. Box 220037, Newhall, CA 91322.