People hold onto relationships, hoping to eventually find what they seek, though holding on results in feeling stuck. Ideally, we’d like a meter to measure the likelihood of achieving our goals with a particular person. Do we know what’s realistic to seek, whether it exists in particular people or if resistance to change exists?
A relationship’s potential is clearer when we know what we are bringing to the relationship. When we expect to receive more than we bring, it’s harder to see the relationship clearly. Are you looking for a provider or a partner? It is easier to measure equality than to measure the potential of what we might receive. Potential is measured by a person’s promises or lack of denial that they’ll provide our expectations. Equality is based on actions, which tend to be more consistent.
If seeking a cook, housekeeper, nanny or world travel provider, how can one measure the potential of those things, as the offering will change, depending on whether our partner’s reciprocal expectations are being met? We see our partner as inconsistent, when we focus on what we’re getting rather than what we’re giving, for consistency in giving (that which our partner values) determines consistency in what we receive. Without seeing consistency now, what leads us to believe it will appear eventually? Motivation is higher when beginning a relationship than after it’s established.
Gain clear pictures of your expectations to determine if they’re realistic in this situation. Are you expecting change of patterns, appearance or earning capacity? Those things rarely show long-term change, if that change is triggered by outside pressure. We can entice people to make small changes by addressing changes they’d like to see in us, but pressure to change will either lead to resistance to change or they’ll set off on the path and leave us behind.
The easiest way to determine the viability of a healthy relationship is to measure our partner’s effort to reciprocate. Without reciprocation, we question whether our partner is invested beyond selfish reasons. Do you bring affection, assistance, financial stability, communication and caring? If so, and your partner doesn’t reciprocate, don’t assume that eventually you will receive those things. Educate your partner, set a realistic time frame, and then move on if change doesn’t occur by then. Staying beyond that point will lead to bitterness and resentment and the eventual destruction of any positive within that relationship.
For more information, and to discuss this or other issues, please call Dr. Levine at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.