We talk of openness in a relationship, yet what does that mean? Do we only address what is specifically asked? Do we share every detail of our life so far? Do we identify a growth on our partner’s back, knowing that cancer petrifies her? What do we offer beyond what is requested?
In the ideal relationship, we would feel safe to openly discuss anything and everything. Unfortunately, ideal relationships are rare. In dealing with reality, we have to balance openness with harmony. Giving more than our partner wants to hear will complicate our relationship. Sometimes, giving them what they ask for can do the same.
In giving information, requested or not, ask yourself how this information will add to the relationship. Don’t offer information that is irrelevant to your present situation, and, if your partner seeks this information, ask their purpose and what they hope to accomplish with this information. Always consider your partner’s feelings and be tactful in your presentation.
Sometimes we need to give information that the other person doesn’t want to hear. Tell your partner that occasions will arise where information must be shared, but you will only do it if you believe that it is something that truly must be addressed. When we become aware of a potential health concern, we need to present that observation in a supportive and caring manner, even when our partner doesn’t want to hear it. Life tends to be better when we deal with reality rather than just our fears or fantasies.
If you want your partner to be open to communication, make sure that your partner feels safe. If you use the information against your partner or hurt or humiliate your partner, then your partner will not feel safe. Would you want to receive what you are going to give? How we say things is much more important than what we say.
If you know that your partner would want to know specific information, don’t wait to be asked. That will only lead your partner to have more trust issues regarding you, wondering the reason it was withheld. If you want to be trusted, pay attention to what is important to your partner, and provide that information.
If you want a healthy relationship, be open and honest. Selective openness and honesty will keep a relationship superficial. Never expect something from a partner that which you aren’t willing to offer.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.