How often have we felt that someone we care about hurt us intentionally? Before we escalate conflict, we need to ask what this person has to gain by hurting us. Frequently, our own self-protection patterns attack before we seek the facts. Are we talking about miscommunication or insensitivity?
When we enter a relationship, we need to explore this issue. Are we defensive due to past hurts, or is our partner self-centered with little caring for others? Make sure that you see signs showing that potential partners care beyond their own perspectives and feelings. When people have to demand or manipulate to get their perspective addressed, the relationship is not healthy. Seek help to address this or move on to a healthier opportunity. If the problem is your past or that you are putting yourself above your partner, then you need to address these things in yourself before a healthy relationship can exist.
Don’t assume that a caring person wants to hurt you. Reach out for clarification. It is fine to identify your discomfort with the experience, but don’t blame others for your pain. When you blame them, they need to defend themselves rather than help you to deal with your discomfort. Show that you want to understand their perspective and work together to find mutually effective options. Don’t assume that feeling hurt legitimizes hurting others. Always look for answers that address everyone’s concerns and objectives. If your choices aren’t moving you in a mutually positive direction, discover new choices.
It’s interesting that we’re so in tune to pain we feel comes from others, yet rarely in tune to the pain we trigger in others. Address your role in the issue. What can you do to move the situation in a positive direction? Tell others what you hear from them, but be open to changing your belief if they clarify and you find your perception to be inaccurate. Don’t argue about what they said, when they clarify what they mean.
No matter how much pain you feel, find a healthy way to move to a better place. Don’t wallow in your pain or drag others down with you. Focus on your options, not on what you feel others should do. By addressing that which is in your control, you will generally feel better about the results.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.