You are unhappy and frustrated with your relationship, yet you fear that your partner will resist getting help. How you address it will have a great impact on the results. Picture this: a man wants to borrow his neighbor’s lawnmower. While walking to the neighbor, thoughts flow through his head (He’s probably upset that I didn’t return his chainsaw or I returned his hedge trimmer broken.). By the time he gets to the neighbor’s door, he is worked up and pounds on the door. When the neighbor opens the door, the man yells, “You can keep your darn lawnmower. I didn’t want it anyway!”
The quickest way to trigger resistance and defensiveness in a man is to criticize or control him, and yet that is often what women feel is necessary to trigger change. In anticipation that the neighbor would criticize the man, he got on the defensive and attacked first. Men are socialized to believe that they should have the answers, while women are socialized to believe that there is nothing wrong with seeking help. Telling a man that he doesn’t have the answer is like telling him to stop and get directions. You have now challenged him to prove that he can find the way without help.
Rather than criticizing the man and expressing disappointment in him, it is important to make sure he feels safe, while inviting him over to your perspective. It is just as easy to say: “I see how hard you work for us, and I appreciate all you do. I want to enjoy having you around for a long time, yet am concerned that the load is taking its toll. I’d love to learn how I might share in the load, and maybe learn some tools that would enable us to move more efficiently and effectively in the direction we wish to go. I heard about a therapist who provides tools rather than placing blame. I’d love for us to see what he might have to offer. I want to learn and would love to have my supportive partner there with me. By learning together, we may discover easier ways to accomplish our objectives.” How can he fight you when you are showing appreciation and seeking to help? We can trigger receptiveness or resistance, just by how we word things. Remember Mary Poppins and her spoonful of sugar.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.