You know how they have those channel blocks you get for your kids so they don’t watch inappropriate television? I need to get one to block out the Home Shopping Channels from our television. My wife is addicted. Every day we get a package from UPS. I know what Brown can do for me. Cost me about $600 every month. Even the driver can’t look me in the eyes. He rings the doorbell, drops the package on the ground, and runs! I think he’s losing weight on account of our deliveries.
The worst part is she sends half of the stuff back. I pay the freight on it both ways so she can browse through it in the comfort of the empty boxes and excelsior strewn about our home.
The Home Shopping network is on about seven different channels. There is one channel that only sells knives. I might need one. These channels are all on 24/7, but that is not enough. She tivos it when she is not home. I’m looking at the television menu of recorded shows and I realize my football game has been deleted and there are 50 hours worth of Randolph Duke, Suzanne Somers, and Kirk’s Follies.
She finally found the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. She had bought special hangers from Joy Mondano on HSN so she could cram more clothes into her closets. She tried to stuff in one more the other day, and the entire closet collapsed. The wooden rod splintered, cracked and snapped. Metal brackets pulled out of the plaster, and clothes erupted into the bedroom like lava out of Vesuvius.
I had to call Closet World to come over and redo three of our closets. The girl said this would triple the hanging space. Three thousand dollars later and guess what? There is not enough room for her to fit everything. They asked my wife how many pairs of shoes she had, so they could build shelves for them. Her eyes began to twitch, and a bizarre smile came across her mouth as she said 60. Try 260. She must have ordered more in anticipation of the new closets.
If you happen to see my wife Diana at J.R.’s Comedy Club, tell her you like her outfit, and ask her if she got it on HSN. You will be friends forever. I have to admit she always looks great! I think I hear the doorbell. I’ll see you at J.R.’s!
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