This is a really great, but difficult question. The fear of discussing life and death issues is so paralyzing that many parents feel unable to talk about their diagnosis at all. The thing is that most children already know that something isn’t right. They may not understand fully, but they sense the tension and a parent’s secrecy only make it worse. Most therapists would agree that despite your fear, you must talk honestly with your child.
So what do you do? First of all, be factual. Cancer is not a “boo-boo.” It is a disease. You need to use truthful terms and explain to your child what is happening. Sometimes using an analogy helps. For instance, our body is made up of parts like Lego blocks. Each block has a task to accomplish and once it has done its job, it releases a chemical that tells the cell to stop growing. The problem is that cancer cells are stupid. They don’t know how to stop growing. There are treatments we use to stop the cancer cells. They are chemotherapy, radiation and/or surgery. Sometimes these treatments really work; they kill the cancer so it stops growing. Sometimes they do not. As painful as it may be for you to hear, you need to tell your child that if the cancer keeps growing, mommy or daddy may feel sick and may even die.
For the parents, fear of our own death is what it is all about. Unfortunately, for the child, who developmentally is very egocentric, the main questions are; Who will take care of me? Who will help with my homework? Make me dinner? Take me places? Your child needs to know that you have a plan. Will it be the other parent, an aunt/uncle or a friend? Children need and deserve to know that you have this figured out ahead of time because you love them.
Whatever you say, do not make any false promises. Never tell your child that you won’t die. No one can keep that promise because at some point we will all die. A false promise only teaches your child that you lie. Instead, reassure them that the doctors and you are doing everything possible to get rid of the cancer. After you explain all this, listen to your child’s fears and concerns and expect your child to regress, even if your child is an adult.
weSPARK Cancer Support Center in Santa Clarita offers free support groups for children and adults. Tara Shore, MA and Sharon Earle, MFT will accompany you and your family on this challenging journey. An intake is required to participate in our services.
For more information, please call weSPARK at 661-288-2322.