One of the most important, rewarding and demanding jobs is being a mother, yet anything can be taken too far and turn negative. Many people have love-hate relationships with their mothers. Many mothers have the mistaken impression that their job is to take care of their kids, rather than help their kids to take care of themselves. After the kids move away, some mothers put pressure on their kids to repay them for all their sacrifices.
A mother’s sacrifices doesn’t obligate her children. Obligations create resentment and resistance. The mother is there for the children, not vice versa. Children aren’t there to validate or entertain the mother. Parents say, “respect your elders,” yet we only respect those who show us respect. If you aren’t getting what you want, ask what you’re doing to earn what you expect. Never use guilt to manipulate. The more a person denies doing something negative, the more of that negative thing is usually being done.
Kids don’t come with owners manuals, so there’s nothing wrong with seeking help to learn effective parenting, communication and discipline skills. Doing more of the same, when it isn’t working, will not give you what you’re seeking.
A quality mother presents a stable basis upon which the child can grow, along with being a good role model. Help the child to discover what works, rather than lecturing and spoon-feeding, and show examples of how these things work. If you’re living for your child and postponing your life, your child will sense your resentment, and will assume that whatever you’re teaching hasn’t worked for you, so won’t work for the child.
Have your own life, yet stay involved with your child’s life. Without developing your own life, you’ll just be living for the next visit from your child, after that child has moved off. You’ll be unhappy and project onto your child that your self-worth is totally in the child’s hands. That only reduces the likelihood that the child will want to see the parent.
A child is not a lump of clay to be molded by the mother. A quality mother provides a safe place for the child to learn the knowledge and skills that will help that child to feel confident, productive and worthwhile as an adult. It is a beautiful gift to give to your child.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.