We fought for our independence; yet continue to find ourselves enmeshed in dependency. Most people faced separation from their families and became individuals. Dependency may feel easier at the moment, but is it an asset or hindrance to our self-esteem? Being dependent allows us to rely on others to provide for our needs, and, supposedly, makes us feel happy, complete and worthwhile. Does it actually help us to feel better about ourselves or less of ourselves?
We’re taught that marriage completes people, making two into one. If two have become one, aren’t we actually just half each? Take a look at your dependency relationships: romantic, familial or occupational. Other than removing some of the pressure from you, does dependency actually result in feeling better about yourself? Observe times you’ve felt best about yourself. Were they times when you were accomplishing on your own or being provided for by another?
The ideal relationship is based on desire, not need. When two whole people come together and find that sharing is the icing on the cake, they both feel better as individuals. When we rely on others to provide for us, our self-esteem drops over time, for we increasingly question our ability to provide for ourselves. I’m not saying that relationships are bad, for they add something special to our lives. I’m saying that to be the best partner, we need to feel good about ourselves. Expecting someone else to make us whole results in frustration and lower self-esteem.
I encourage people to discover themselves before seeking a partner. Though young love feels good, most adolescents have no idea who they are or what is compatible with that. They find it easy to fall into relationships, hoping that they grow together. It’s possible to grow together, yet it requires both people paying attention to the growth of both individuals and the relationship, so they don’t end up growing apart. It also requires effective communication skills, which most people lack. Get the tools, find yourself and then discover that special compatible partner that will add to your life, not make your life.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.