People talk about fair fighting and believing that arguing is normal in relationships. Do you truly believe that arguments add anything positive to a relationship? Disagreements are normal, as no two people will have the exact same opinion on everything. By definition, arguments exist when communication ceases, while people continue to focus on winning. If you strive to win, you expect the other person to lose. If you achieve your objective, will you truly be content? Do you want to spend your life with a loser? In healthy relationships, with quality communication, arguments are unnecessary. When we know how to communicate, we’re able to discuss any topic without feeling hurt and needing to defend ourselves. A simple knowledge of what words to use and what to avoid can stop arguments from escalating. We generally argue when we feel the other person isn’t interested in hearing and understanding our perspective. It’s hard to accept being in a relationship that doesn’t respect our thoughts and feelings. We just want to feel important to our partner. Feeling heard is generally more important than winning. Don’t tell your partner to listen; show your partner that you want to understand the differing perspective. Showing that you’re more interested in understanding, than in negatively judging the other person, will raise that other person’s motivation to actively listen. Some people look forward to fighting, as they enjoy making up. Do we truly need to go through the fight to have positive in our relationship? When we become so focused on our personal priorities that we lose sight of our relationship, arguments remind us what we’re missing, so we take time for that which we appreciate. If we regularly stay on top of our relationship priorities, then we won’t feel alone and defensive, which leads to arguments. Effective communication skills are simple. Rather than continuing familiar, yet ineffective, patterns, take the time to learn how to communicate effectively and enhance your relationship. We find many excuses for procrastinating and just staying with what is familiar. Unfortunately, too many people delay too long, for, by the time they get around to seeking help, they’re no longer open to developing a healthy relationship. With the trust shattered, people focus on protecting themselves, and the relationship dies. We believe that the best solutions are complex, yet the simplest solutions tend to be most effective.
For more information, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.