In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the midst of the “giving season.” The time of year, more than any other, when frenetic giving reaches a fever pitch and we are invited, pressured, obligated, and even shamed into spending beyond our means, giving business gifts, bringing treats to parties, hosting holiday events, contributing coats and blankets for the homeless, food for the hungry, toys for the children, care packages for the troops, and volunteering time to worthy causes. All this is in addition to the heavy demands of daily living that keep most of us busy, and many of us stressed.
Would it be Scrooge-like to indulge in some self-care? Would it be a crime against humanity to be self-focused and just say “no” to some of these giving rituals? Of course not, but how much self-focus is enough and how much is too much?
In the book Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems, management consultant Barry Johnson, Ph.D. suggests this is a struggle to be managed, not solved. He would have us:
• Detail the benefits of focusing on our selves (like meeting our own needs and being responsible).
• Itemize the benefits of focusing on others (like meeting their needs and being useful).
• Inventory the consequences of over-focusing on our selves (like neglecting
using/exploiting others).
• List the consequences of over-focusing on others (like feeling neglected/used/ exploited).
Once we become aware of the symptoms of over-focusing on either extreme, Johnson would encourage us to adjust our behavior at the slightest hint of an undesirable consequence. After all, it shouldn’t be an all or nothing proposition, but both/and. It isn’t a self versus other competition, but a self and other balancing act.
So, when you hear others ask “what about me?” or complain, “you never consider me,” you can be fairly certain it’s time to give a little. Likewise, if you begin to feel resentful, used, exploited, or unappreciated, you will be a lot easier to live with if you back off and take a little space for yourself.
I hope you achieve a dynamic “balance” this giving season and beyond. I hope I do too!
Call Debbie to schedule a consultation for therapy/coaching in Valencia at 661-259-5986 or Encino at 818-385-0550.