This month’s topic: Deception. It’s an ugly word by any definition. We know that marriages can end because of it. But what do you do when you unwittingly find yourself on the other side of it?
A friend recently told me about a man she’d met at a social event. The mutual attraction was immediately evident as sparks flew from the moment their eyes met. Flirtation was followed by compliments in the usual fashion and, in no time, they were on their first date. During the course of the evening, however, she learned that Mr. Wonderful wasn’t quite divorced yet. He was “separated.” Before her second date she asked me my opinion about dating men in that category. There is no easy answer to this. Experience has taught me that this “category” isn’t easily defined. So let’s try to do that here.
I once dated a man for a solid three months before I learned his definition of “separated.” When we had met, he told me he was separated and about to be divorced. To make a pathetically long story way shorter, it turned out that his definition of separated was that he was sleeping on the couch and his wife got the bedroom! With regard to “about to be divorced,” it meant that he’d actually inquired about possibly retaining an attorney to speak to about the details of maybe filing. Puh-leeze! Okay, I was a slow learner back in the day.
My friend’s date claimed that he was staying at home with an “understanding” between him and his wife (note: if your date uses the term “my wife,” or “my husband”…. run). They had an open relationship and he could do anything he wanted. She just didn’t want to know about it. So he had to sneak around, much like a cheating, married man, not much like a single man. Meanwhile, if she doesn’t want to know about it, then he has to play “Happily Married” at home. We all know what that means. Yuk!
I personally hate inconsistencies. They cause an undue amount of suspicion on my part. I start questioning everything that is said or implied, and I look for lies. It becomes too much work. That’s not where I want to put my energies in a relationship, and I don’t want to avoid local, public areas for fear that the wife that’s “okay” with this might walk in and not be “okay” with this.
I’m probably going to get a lot of mail from legitimately separated, divorcing people who are emotionally ready to start a new, loving relationship. Please understand that this isn’t about you, it’s about those people that are giving you a bad name.
Questions/Kind comments? Write to Julie at writelove@sbcglobal.net