Passion can add beautiful energy to relationships or can overwhelm and shut down partners. Passion doesn’t work when selfishly applied. Both people must feel safe; so address safety before introducing passion.
Commonly, people establish patterns to help deal with inadequacy fears. By developing methods to avoid potential failure, we don’t build our abilities and confidence, limiting ourselves to safe, familiar experiences.
The intensity of passion makes it hard for insecure people to remain safely protected in their comfort zone. When one person is more passionate than his/her partner, that person needs to introduce passion slowly. Don’t be critical of your partner’s abilities; introduce your partner to new options. Let your partner become comfortable with a new approach to subtle, sensual kissing or touching before adding intensity. Play is more comfortable when we feel qualified to participate.
We appreciate when our partner shows interest and desire; yet don’t want our partner’s energy to push us out of the equation. Sometimes, people get so lost in their passion that they forget about their partner, leaving that person behind. For passion to work, we must be very sensitive to the feelings of our partner. If you sense any discomfort or hesitancy, don’t push harder. Either slow down or maintain consistency, while waiting for your partner to catch up. If your partner fears that he/she won’t be able to catch up, or will never be good enough, he/she will give up and shut down. This causes your partner to be more reluctant to approach that fear the next opportunity.
We want to feel qualified in what we do, so education is important. Talk about how passion feels and how it impacts relationships. Help your partner to become comfortable with the topic. Realize that desire can conflict with obligations, responsibilities and fears. Take time to understand your partner’s feelings, never minimizing them. It’ll be easier for your partner to feel safe if you’re addressing his/her feelings than addressing yours. No matter how much you want something, your partner must be at your side, not dragged along, for it to work.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.