When her father was dying, Rebecca Wesson, newly transplanted from New York to Los Angeles, searched for an outlet for her grief. She signed up for Jeff Zhorne’s grief program – and it changed her life.
“It really helped me get to the root of the pain and unresolved issues,” said Wesson, a speech pathologist. “It’s almost like magic, even though I did the work.”
Zhorne’s two children, Jeremy, four years, and Amelia, one-and-a-half years, died in a horrific auto accident in 1991. Like so many others drowning in grief and depression, he didn’t know where to turn.
“I went on missions to feel good to escape the painful devastation,” he recounted. “But my personal life spiraled down with the loss of my marriage, loss of my career and loss of health. I came to the point where I had to recover or die.”
Zhorne continued: “I looked everywhere for help. I read everything. Trouble was, most books either told me how I was feeling (I already knew!) or offered advice for getting through the day. I needed some real help. I tried to intellectualize my grief and think myself out of depression. But you can’t fix a broken heart with your head. People said, “You gotta let go and move on.” But I said, “Let go of what and move on to where?”
Zhorne said he finally came to the point where he had to recover or die. After stints with therapists and support groups, he stumbled on to the process of Grief Recovery. “There I found a way to finish the unfinished emotional pain and end the isolation and loneliness,” he related. “I learned that pain didn’t have to be a family member. I didn’t have to accept my pain as a permanent condition or build my identity around it.”
After her father died, Wesson recounted that friends and family weren’t prepared to help her cope with the confusion, agony, depression and aloneness that followed. “Of course, people mean well when they try to help us, but they just don’t have the right tools,” said Wesson. “It’s as if our task is to mow the lawn, but we’re handed scissors and a paintbrush – wrong tools for the job.”
So what do grieving people do? They fake it. Zhorne remarked: “We put on our happy faces, our go-to-work faces. Over time we start to feel detached or numb. The people in our lives seem imaginary, and life doesn’t touch us in the deepest places of our hearts.”
What Zhorne found in recovery from loss was a way to say goodbye to the pain, confusion and loneliness. The process of healing from loss is based on finishing unfinished emotional business. “Working through the deaths of my children, step-by-step, getting more and more complete, I no longer found myself stuck in wishing things had been different, better or more. Working through the grief and depression, I began to cherish fond memories because Jeremy and Amelia both leave a legacy of love, not pain.”
Zhorne believes that recovery starts by being able to freely express all the thoughts and emotions connected with loss. Maybe it’s regret, which is often associated with loss, or grieving the loss of unrealized hopes, dreams and expectations.
Wesson related: “If you are tired of temporary pain relief, tired of quenching in and want to expand your life and relationships, the program provides a way to finish unfinished emotional business and moving beyond loss. It provides the correct tools. I think the best benefit is being able to cherish fond memories of our loved ones, because I’m now able to remember my father for the way he lived.
The Grief Program is offering a free community presentation on the tools and skills needed for working through significant emotional loss of any kind at 7 p.m., Thursday, July 22, at the Education Center, Christ Lutheran Church, 25816 N. Tournament Road. For more information, call The Grief Program at 661-733-0692 or visit them at TheGriefProgram.com.