People commonly assume that they understand the other person and then react to what they perceive or fear the other person means. What happens when you react/overreact negatively to something benign? Are you willing to admit that the other person may not have intended to hurt you? What impact does this have on your relationship and how you react in the future? How do you deal with a partner who becomes more cautious, as a result of this seemingly unprovoked attack?
People overreact as a result of insecurity and fear. They prefer to prepare for the worst possible case scenario rather than take time to discover the truth, not wanting people to think that they can be taken advantage of. They believe that this is the safest way for them.
When we overreact, we limit future communication in that and all related areas. Sometimes, people feel that this is a small price to pay for self-protection. If you believe that you need to protect yourself, question whether this is a healthy relationship for you.
If we discover that no harm was intended, do we acknowledge our error, address the issues and discuss how we’ll address similar potential misunderstandings in the future? We must go beyond saying that they’ll be safe in the future; we must show them. The more we blame, deny or rationalize, the less people will trust us.
This overreaction pattern can lead to both people walking on eggshells, which limits most aspects of a relationship. The relationship becomes superficial and mechanical. This needs to be addressed and resolved with your partner. The longer the delay in addressing this, the less likely it’ll ever be addressed.
When you see caution in your partner, let him/her know that you want him/her to feel safe and regret planting that seed of caution. Discuss ways to prevent this from reoccurring and commit to taking measurable steps to use effective alternatives. Set up non-verbal cues to help you see when you’re falling into old, ineffective patterns. By showing trust, without overlooking obvious red flags, we raise the likelihood of the other person being trustworthy.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.