It’s a common occurrence. We open our morning newspapers or turn on the television or radio to find yet another violent episode in which teens are perpetrators of brutal and senseless actions. Frequently there is no explanation other than a deeply rooted anger had taken over the teen.
Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions, but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. It is often how anger is expressed, and that expression of anger can become destructive. There are a number of reasons for explosive anger in teens. Sometimes anger is used as a form of control, sometimes anger is a form of manipulation, sometimes anger is a sign of depression, and sometimes anger is fear and sadness. Families in crisis know all too well that a teen’s anger has an effect on all of those around him or her. The issue is whether the anger is normal or extreme.
We know a tantrum is quite common for a two year old, but is not normal for a second grader nor a teenager. Teens need to learn how to identify and manage their anger. Parents often become afraid of their angry teens.
Anger is what we call a cover-up emotion, a sign that says something is wrong. However, the real problem is always underneath. It takes a tremendous amount of energy and determination to deal positively with a teenager who is acting out such angry behavior.
Physical or verbal abuse at home, alcohol or drug problems in the family, divorce or loss of a loved one, economic distress, learning disabilities, or physical illness could be the root of a teen’s anger.
It’s easy to recognize anger when a teenager is yelling and physically threatening another person. But teens express their anger in a variety of other ways. In fact, many behaviors that we consider stereotypical of teenagers can be manifestations of anger.
Symptoms of Outwardly Directed Anger
• Yelling and screaming.
• Throwing objects
• Hitting (either objects or people).
• Driving too fast.
Symptoms of Inwardly Directed Anger
• Lack of eye contact during conversations.
• Mumbling, instead of speaking clearly.
• Lack of interest in any activities.
• Generally sullen disposition.
• Alcohol or drug use.
No one knows for sure when a teenager’s anger could become dangerous to themselves or others. The following signs indicate that a teen may need professional attention:
• Raging behavior, in which the teen is uncontrollable.
• Consistent explosions of temper, even short-lived, at the slightest provocation.
• Drastic changes in a teen’s behavior—from sullen to unnaturally energetic, or
from extremely energetic to sullen.
• Physically hanging back from the group on a constant basis, never participating
in activities.
• Consistently blaming life for treating him unfairly.
• Cruelty to any animal.
• Any behavior that causes an adult or others in a group to become afraid or
uncomfortable around the teenager.
Teach your teen to deal with anger. Help them recognize anger and what to do
about it.
• Teach them to recognize that anger comes from feelings of hurt or shame and try
to identify the source of those feelings.
• Help them to learn to identify “trigger thoughts” that bring on angry feelings.
• Help them imagine scenes in which one can respond to a “trigger thought” with
a positive thought, feeling, or comment.
• Help them recognize that other people are free to make their own choices,
whether good ones or bad—and the teen has the ability to choose how to respond.
• Encourage them to listen to music (with headphones on) and dance with some
anger-inspired energy.
• Encourage them to write it down in any form – poetry or a journal, for example.
• Encourage them to draw it – scribble, doodle or sketch your angry feelings using
strong color or lines.
• Encourage them to play a sport or work out. You’ll be amazed at how physical activity helps to work the anger out.
• Teach them to meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if they do it regularly, not when they are actually having a meltdown. It’s more of a stress management technique and will help them use self-control and not blow a fuse when they are mad.
• Encourage them to talk about their feelings with someone they trust. Many times, other feelings like fear or sadness lie beneath the anger. Talking about these feelings can help.
• Teach them to distract themselves so they can get their mind past what’s bugging them. Watch television, read or go to the movies instead of stewing for hours about something.
Sometimes, just knowing that a parent or an adult does care, and is available to really listen and willing to treat them as the honorable person they long to be, is enough to save a teen’s future.
If you believe your teen has a problem with anger, it is your job to help them develop positive conflict resolution techniques. Parents who teach anger-management strategies and encourage non-aggressive conflict-resolution techniques early on may find the teenage years less challenging. If your child has long-lasting feelings of anger or is unable to adopt coping strategies, seek medical assistance and treatment.
Suggested Anger Management Books for Kids and Teens
• Anger Management Workbook for Kids and Teens by Anita Bohensky, Ph.D.
• Hot Stuff to Help Kids Chill Out: The Anger Management Book by Jerry Wilde, Ph.D.
• The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.
Cary Quashen is a certified addiction specialist and the founder and president of ACTION Parent & Teen Support Programs and the ACTION Family Counseling Centers. Quashen may be reached at 661-713-3006. The ACTION Hotline number is 1-800-FOR TEENs. The ACTION Parent & Teen Support Group meetings meet at Canyon High School, Tuesday evenings at 7:00 p.m. in the A building. Canyon High School is located on Nadal Street at Whites Canyon Road.