A recent study by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP revealed that nearly 30 percent of the United States population (more than 65 million people) spend 20 hours or more each week caring for chronically ill, disabled or aging loved ones. Most care recipients (“caretakers”) live at home with their care providers (“caregivers”).
Benefits to caretakers and caregivers are immeasurable, but they can come at a high price. Financial/medical issues aside, caretakers and caregivers often find themselves battling for control. If this tug-of-war isn’t resolved quickly, the relationship can sustain irreparable damage.
For most caretakers, the desire to take action and make choices for themselves doesn’t diminish just because physical/psychological abilities are compromised. Relying on others to help with mobility, hygiene, meal preparation, etc. is difficult. Waiting till help arrives can be uncomfortable or downright excruciating. Becoming dependent is humbling at best, and can be demoralizing and demeaning when mishandled.
For most caregivers, the desire to be of service and care for loved ones is genuine. Most have no formal training and don’t really know what they are getting themselves into. While they can learn as they go (often at the expense of the caretaker), they are likely to become unwitting steamrollers when they attempt to take charge or when they forget to be service providers.
When engaged in a tug-of-war for control, both caregiver and caretaker are likely to do all the wrong things for all the right reasons as they figure out a choreography for care. If you’re in such a battle, consider these tips:
1. Be patient with yourself as you learn the ropes. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
2. Express frequent love and appreciation.
3. Request and suggest. Don’t demand and tell.
4. Recognize there’s a difference between caring and doing.
5. Take frequent breaks to rest, refresh, and recalibrate.
6. Learn and live within your limits. (Superman and Wonder Woman aren’t really real.)
7. Enlist help.
8. Expect everything to take longer than you expect.
9. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles carefully.
10. Put safety first.
11. Seek support/ideas from other caregivers, caretakers, and support groups.
12. Get professional help when you become depressed, angry, resentful, fearful, anxious, or overwhelmed.
Call Debbie to schedule a consultation for therapy/coaching in Valencia at 661-259-5986 or Encino at 818-385-0550.