My hometown, Seattle, is a green haven where Seasonal Affective Disorder is a formidable plague and plaid flannel is layered under Northface fleece as a necessary precaution against frigid rain. It’s generally regarded as a pale caffeine addict’s paradise. There are no gang-dominated neighborhoods, but we do have Microsoft Country, which is equally dangerous because of the large concentration of overworked and slightly depressed software geniuses lurking about.
Unsurprisingly, my family’s impending move to Southern California aroused an inkling of trepidation. Once in sunny Santa Clarita, however, my fear dissolved. Although now largely acclimated, a number of issues plaguing our city have recently come to my attention, which I resolve to remedy. How, exactly, do I plan to confront monumental crises like umbrella abuse and fashion mishaps? I’ll combat them with the only tool in my arsenal: a little Pacific Northwest practicality.
Lesson One: umbrellas are for the weak and infirm. When rain hits Southern California, pedestrians brave the elements with every layer of protection possible. In some cases it’s necessary, and I’m certainly not advocating contraction of pneumonia. Indeed, if you are ailing, as the heading suggests, work that umbrella like there’s no tomorrow. But for the vast majority of health-crazed Californians, bodies coursing with Vitamin D, fearing a drizzle is unnecessary.
Lesson Two: when you drive like you’re trying to kill someone, you just might. Look at the speed limit then back to your speedometer. Do you see the difference of about twenty miles per hour? This is not a good thing. On that note, neither is incessantly honking your horn while passing through a tunnel, much as a six-year-old boy would do. Californians have some lust-worthy cars, so why not drive them with class? Ease those Hermes driving loafers off the gas and cruise quietly.
Lesson Three: nothing looks better bedazzled. Clothing, license plates, manicures- if it’s readily visible, put a rhinestone on it! Bejeweling instantly signals affluence and exceptional taste… except it kind of doesn’t. Bid your Bedazzler farewell and set fire to those jewel-covered jeans (bonus points for using your Ugg boots as kindling).
As a young skeptic, I feel obligated to bemoan exuberant Californians, despite my love of the area. Admittedly, I adore the valley; nevertheless, the aforementioned offenses are inexcusable. Fellow SCV residents, prepare for change. Without bedazzling, speeding tickets, and a chronic fear of rain, we’ll still be Awesometown.