Impulsive, reckless, risky, excitement, sense-seeking, peer-acceptance… these are key words that apply to those under 24. Remember 22 is the new 18, 24 is the new 20 so if your adult-child is under this age they may seem more immature to you than they should be. Unfortunately, the youth don’t see themselves this way, largely because they are surrounded by others who are similar in nature. It makes no difference how you raised them, they have their own sub-culture and their own system of right/wrong, validation, rewards, honor, character etc. Those key words can make them difficult to deal with as they live by a set of priorities that makes no sense to the 40-something. They will speed at 100 mph on the freeway then become inert and apathetic, sleeping or lounging for 12 hours straight; there’s no rhyme or reason to it.
This secret language, or sub-culture, is actually their way of building their identity and the clash between the generations has been going on since the beginning of time. Rebellious, lazy, irresponsible, careless, slacker… these are the keywords parents mostly identify them with. Both sets of words apply, but we see the negative more than the positive because we are more affected by the negative ones; the messes they make, the tickets and fines we pay, the mistakes they make and money they need are the things that stand out the most. The “good” stuff they do is hard to notice and it also is hidden from view, mostly shared within their peer group. In other words, we are evaluating them on a scale that has little significance to them (see first set of keywords for their priorities).
Nevertheless, we still must get them through to 25 without losing our minds or disowning them (a threat I hear as a counselor almost daily from frustrated parents). I’ve said in other places that I am multi-lingual: I speak youth, drugs, adult, parent… many of the languages needed if I am to help families get through this time. The real work and challenges come through the teen years and go into the early 20s. Feel free to reach out and get some serious insight, support and new strategies in dealing with them. Learn the language and minimize the misunderstandings, conflicts and learn how to cope and be supportive without enabling. It’s either that or a life sentence for filicide (killing your kid!).
Scott Spackey is a family counselor, California Registered Addiction Specialist, Interventionist, Life-Coach and Clinical Hypnotherapist. For more information, please call 661-299-1966 or email: Scott@Life-Mind.com.