Are you frustrated when your son or daughter doesn’t listen to you? Do you have the same argument over and over? If you answered “yes,” you are not alone. Communication problems are one of the main reasons that parents, families, and couples seek counseling. If you can identify your communication style in this article you can begin to talk to your teen or spouse in a way that they will listen to you and they can change their behavior.
There are three communications styles that most people use. You may identify with one or more of each of the communication styles. Depending on whom you are talking to, you may communicate differently. If you find yourself raising your voice or saying something that you don’t mean out of anger, then you are communicating aggressively (you never listen to me).
Passive communication is when you hold all your feelings in or “stuff your feelings.” It is indirect because you do not tell the other person how you feel. If your son or daughter says, “whatever! yeah, right!” they are using passive-aggressive communication, which includes rolling your eyes, mumbling under your breath, slamming doors, and sarcasm. “What… sarcasm is passive-aggressive?” Yes, although many people use sarcasm as a “joke,” sarcasm is very hurtful.
Finally, the last communication style is assertive communication, which is direct, open, honest, and not hurtful to the other person. We rarely learn how to communicate assertively in school or from our parents. However, if you learn how to communicate assertively you can express yourself in a way that your teen or spouse will understand and listen to you. Assertive communication is the goal of healthy communication and healthy relationships.
One way to use assertive communication is to use an “I” statement. An “I” statement looks like this: “I feel frustrated because you won’t talk to me and I would like you to talk to me more.” By identifying and expressing your feelings, the other person understands how you feel and what they can do differently to help you.
As a family therapist, I help teens and parents get along better. Call me for a free phone consultation at 661-259-8200 x2 or visit me at www.therapywithcompassion.com to learn more about how I help families. I also offer two-hour workshops on healthy communication for you and your family.