Good Listening Skills Build Strong Family Relationships. Reflecting way back to first-grade, I can still recall Mr. Dagget continuously exhorting the “two ears, one mouth” principle: “We have two ears… and only one mouth because listening is twice as important as talking.”
Turns out, just like what Mr. Dagget said, his subtle advice about communicating was, and still is, indispensable.
Could you repeat that? Unfortunately, as numerous surveys suggest, most adults tend to be lousy listeners and that includes moms and dads. The average American is becoming increasingly numb to interactive listening.
Our ability to physically hear has never been better. Trouble is, too few of us actually communicate very well because we simply don’t lend a careful ear.
Our ability to effectively communicate with others is an essential life skill.
As such, we could probably all use a sensitivity refresher about the mindful difference between simply hearing and the mindful recognition of connecting and understanding.
One thing Mr. Dagget forgot to mention was that effective communication often involves more than audible listening. It also requires a visual form of listening that utilizes careful observation and translation of body language. Our children pick up on our body language very fast and it’s important our body language matches what comes out of our mouths.
Combining audible language with body language makes communication much more clear. Assess the included emotion and you achieve an even greater focus. And a child that will listen to you.
Although effective communication is often viewed merely as the words we speak, it involves much more. One recent communications study classified and rated the actual importance of:
• Words (the facts of the message) equal seven percent of the message
• Tone of voice equals 23 percent of the message
• Actions of the body and face equal 70 percent of the message
Can you hear me now? The combined impact of tone and actions refers to the emotion of the message. The study goes further to point out that emotions deliver over 93 percent of the message.
In order to effectively hear what is being said, you must conscientiously listen to the entire message being articulated, verbal as well as non-verbal.
It is essentially a two-way conversation of talking and listening. Strive to listen to the non-verbalized message, too.
Although hearing is a natural sensory ability, listening comprehension isn’t necessarily an automatic thing. Moreover, it’s a skill that can be improved and made more effective with training and practice.
The good listener is an effective parent. Cultivating effective listening skills is an indispensable function for families. Developing a proficiency in communicating with your children is the first step in building a continuing relationship.
Most people value finding the friendly ear of a good listener, and really appreciate the courtesy of being heard. Let’s face it, nobody likes being ignored or made to feel insignificant. Our children are no different.
The failure of not caring enough to listen is frequently so contemptible that children turn elsewhere in search of a more considerate pair of ears. Often that pair of ears is their peers instead of their families.
The value of caring. It is widely perceived that people who take the time to listen also care. Why else would they take the time to listen? The perception holds true for our children. When a parent is perceived as a caring listening individual, they are perceived by the child as loving parents who care about them.
The simple act of caring evokes powerfully positive feelings. You’ll likely find that your family relationship and that the relationship you have with your children is enhanced simply by focusing on paying particular attention to Mr. Dagget’s 70/30 ratio of “listening twice as much as speaking” maxim.
It is funny how things learned back in the first-grade remain so important throughout our lives. The fundamental simplicity of the act of effective listening is absolutely remarkable.
The following tips will help you to be an effective listener.
Spend more than 60 percent of your time listening; the more the better. Listening is caring. Don’t offer opinions until you’ve given ample opportunity for the other person to actually communicate their real message. Questions provide additional clarity. Often times, you must respond to a question… with additional questions before sharing your views. Listening only for facts often prevents you from actually grasping the other person’s true meaning. Take time to genuinely understand what is being communicated. Avoid jumping to conclusions when someone is speaking. Refrain from anticipating what a person is trying to say. Don’t rush or interrupt someone who is speaking and avoid changing the subject until you’re certain the speaker has finished. We all must work at listening, especially when someone’s delivery is boring or wordy. Stay focused and nod affirmatively that you understand what is being said. Establish and maintain eye contact with the person you’re speaking with, or listening to, and be somewhat animated in your listening support by nodding in affirmation that you understand. Facial expressions are a good indicator.
And last, but not least, our conversations and our ability to communicate either open a door to a relationship or slam it shut. Part of the listening process is asking questions of your children that will solicit what you need to listen to and understand.
Door openers include positive questions and comments such as: What do you think? Would you like to share more about that? That’s a good question. I don’t know, but I’ll find out. I’m interested in what you are saying. Do you know what that means? That sounds important to you. Do you want to talk about it? What are you most worried about right now?
Comments in conversations that lead to shutting relationship doors and often indicate we are not listening are: You are too young to understand. If you say that again, I’ll… That’s none of your business. I don’t care what your friends are doing! We’ll talk about that when you need to know. That’s just for boys/girls. Why are you asking me that? You don’t need to know about that. Don’t come to me if you mess up. Go ask your father/mother.
Remember we have two ears… and only one mouth because listening is twice as important as talking.
Cary Quashen is a certified addiction specialist and the founder and president of ACTION Parent & Teen Support Programs and the ACTION Family Counseling Centers. Quashen may be reached at (661) 713-3006. The ACTION Hotline number is 1-800-FOR TEENs. ACTION Parent & Teen Support Group meetings meet at Canyon High School, Tuesday evenings at 7 p.m. in the A Building. Canyon High School is located on Nadal Street at Whites Canyon Road in Canyon Country.