As an elder law attorney, I deal with difficult issues every day. The majority of my clients are elderly. Many have dementia, are frequent patients at the hospital, need expensive care giving, and many are terrified they will outlive their money, especially if skilled nursing is needed. The list of issues goes on and on without end.
Typically, the adult children are burned-out, confused, emotional, and simply don’t know the options when dealing with an elderly parent.
A wrong move may be costly, cause family tensions, and be detrimental (and possibly deadly) to the parent. Many are in “denial” because they still see their parents as invincible and still in control rather than elderly, weak, or incompetent. But, despite the many issues, all have one thing in common – sooner or later, it will all come to an end. And as harsh as this sounds, many times the end is a relief. The adult child who took “charge” of the elderly parent (often by default because no one else “will help”) feels terribly guilty for having that sense of relief.
However, it is a well-deserved sense of relief. “The end” is often a nightmare. It is often full of mazelike twists and turns, and “the end” can take months, years or decades. We can no longer rely solely on medical professionals or believe that the medical community can effectively communicate with each other, or with us. We can no longer assume that our parent’s insurance will pay for what we feel is necessary. We can no longer assume that the care received is appropriate, safe, or provides dignity. Our parent is not a “bed number” in the hospital who has fallen again, or the old woman who sits in the nursing home hallway staring into space. We must be our parent’s “voice” in this nightmare process.
As you or someone you know goes through this maze with an elderly parent, remember to get reliable and accurate advice and guidance. Be sure they have comprehensive and well-drafted legal documents in place that deal with long-term care, incapacity, and public benefits. Do not rely on the internet, the hospital worker, or the well-meaning neighbor. Armed with information to make proper decisions and advocate effectively, you can help your elderly parent through this “maze” and let them enjoy their life with dignity and with proper and appropriate care. Be informed, be an effective advocate, and be realistic with your parents’ needs. Remember…your children are watching how you handle this situation.
The Law Office of Jane M. McNamara provides legal counseling by appointment only. Please visit www.JaneMcNamara.com or www.VAbenefits4seniors.com; or call 661-287-3260.