I am a firm believer that expectations set us up, especially during the holiday season. A new study found that people experience holiday stress due to unrealistic expectations. The study conducted by Tony Jurich, a Kansas State University expert on family relationships found that people feel like failures when they are unable to meet their expectations.
According to the study, people feel like they need to meet or surpass the holiday experiences of previous years. Just as adults feel stressed out or get the holiday blues, so do teens. Things like hectic schedules, financial stress, increased family conflicts or misunderstandings, pressure to live up to idealized images of holidays and family life, changes in diet and routines, cabin fever, and increased grief about divorce, death, or other significant family changes all add to the stress many teenagers feel, especially at this time of the year.
Many teens feel empty because the holidays are not the same as when they were young kids.
If holiday expectations don’t live up to past memorable occasions, begin a new family tradition and ask your teen to help create that new tradition.
I think we all know that the holidays can be very difficult for anyone touched by divorce, death and any significant family change. This is especially true for kids and teens. Family fights often break out in families where there are shared custody arrangements. Kids may have to split time between two households or spend time with new stepparents or siblings. There may be unfamiliar routines. There may be many painful reminders of the past. There is also an extra focus on cheerfulness and family togetherness. All these can increase sadness and stress for our teens.
If your family has gone through a change recently, it is even more important to encourage your teens to talk about their feelings. Let them know that their feelings are normal. Remind them that, over time, things will get easier. But for now, they need all the support they can get. Give them permission to skip some activities that are too painful. Again, you may want to start a new family tradition, as a way of making a new start.
Cary Quashen CAS is the president and founder of Action Parent & Teen Support Group Programs and Action Family Counseling. He can be reached at 661-297-8691.