Graceless Guidance We Can Live Without

We’re all downsizing today! The tiny house phenomena is sweeping the nation. A magical bestseller tells us to pare down to the joy-giving essentials.
I believe we should do the same with our thinking. There are five ideas – disabling ideas – that we could stand to discard. They promise success, but deliver anxiety. Familiar but worthless, so here they are: always look good, don’t be wrong, be in control, expect only the best, always get credit.
1. Always Look Good.  We want to avoid the disapproval of others. We want to be accepted and validated. But at what cost? What heartfelt conversations or worthwhile opportunities have we side stepped because we fear the opinion of others?
2. Don’t Be Wrong.  Here mistakes or failure can bring intense feelings of worthlessness, where people go to great lengths to justify, rationalize, and ‘win’ the battle of who’s right. Giving up the costly belief of “I must be right” is freeing to the soul, and opens doors.
3. Be In Control.  What does it cost to be in control? Often, the love of others. Along with anxiety, frustration, and disappointment with all those imperfect people who surround you. Can you give up monitoring and correcting? Your relationships will change for the better, I promise.
4. Accept Only The Best.  This is the cousin of always be right. You will experience rudeness, distress, and blame in the big basketball game that is life. No protective equipment, lots of elbows to the chest. You’re surrounded by people who get a C- or D+ in sensitivity, generosity, and communication.  See if you can let people be wrong, at least some of the time. You’re not their mother.
5. Always Get Credit.  As siblings, did you compare your brothers or sister’s rewards or gifts to yours? If someone takes credit at work for your suggestion, does that just stick in your throat? It’s a dogma we’re taught at an early age, fueled by feeling “less than” or “not good enough.” Working to improve your self-esteem is much more profitable that the high-price of believing in your own inferiority.
Discarding the big five requires support, resilience, and courage but is so very worth it.
If you’d like to discuss couples or individual therapy, please call me at 661-259-4620.