Hitting Below the Belt

 For most people, one of the things that is the most upsetting in life is arguing. It leaves us with feelings of hurt and regret. Of all the bad habits that arise when we disagree, the worst of these, are when we’re “Hitting Below The Belt.”
That’s a term derived from boxing. A fighter who hits below the belt can lose his career, or even be arrested. If you hit below the belt verbally, you too have crossed over the line.  I use the word “BELT” to remember what types of remarks are out of bounds. B for Belittling, E for Exploding, L for Labeling, T for Threatening.
The B for Belittling, means trying to make someone feel small and inadequate. Remarks like “You never do anything right” attack a person’s self-esteem and promote shame. This isn’t football – don’t trash talk your opponent to help you win.
The E for Exploding – means you’re pacing, raising your voice, slamming your fists. You signal dangerousness. Dangerous people aren’t loved people.
Make it a rule to stay seated, and speak in a normal tone.
The L in BELT, for labeling – means using words like “liar, loser, stupid, lazy.” Were you ever called names as a child? These negative terms leave scars for years. Don’t reduce a complex person or situation to a one word sticky-note. It screams, “You don’t know me at all.” If you want to address character flaws, be sensitive and skillful or you’ll get nowhere.
The T, for Threats, means you seek to scare others, present the worst, even threaten divorce whenever you argue. Threats are very destructive because they’re related to fear and violence. Resolve to run your household on co-operation, not intimidation.
These four things, Belittling, Exploding, Labeling, and Threatening – are the worst of hitting below the belt, because they destroy any sense of safety while problem solving. You must have some security while solving problems in order to explore options and comprehend their significance. Solving problems in safety can make you closer and stronger. Avoiding hitting below the belt will pay off for you in increased trust and cooperation.
If you would like to download a handout that accompanies this article and video, visit my website, www.marymmargaretparker.com.  For more information, please call 661-259-4620.