Living With the Empty Chair at Holiday Dinners

The holidays can be times of joyous celebration but often painful reminders of missing loved ones. The prospect of the empty chair at mealtimes can evoke overwhelming sadness and loneliness. Everything we touch, taste and smell can be reminders.
It’s normal and natural to miss someone and feel sad. The tendency, however, is to avoid sad thoughts by burying the feelings or distracting ourselves, according to Jeff Zhorne, MA, director of The Grief Recovery Program in Los Angeles. We may wind up isolating at home because people get tired of hearing our stories. “We turn down the blinds, throw in a DVD and order in,” said Zhorne. “Or maybe we open the freezer and start a relationship with Haagen-Dazs.”
Some people drown themselves in alcohol. Some stay so busy they don’t have time to feel. “We may use food, sex, exercise or money to stop our pain,” he continued. “Compulsive buying and overspending are notorious short-term pain relievers, but they offer only temporary pain relief.”
This buried pain is real, has energy and doesn’t go away on its own. Unresolved grief will make itself known when we least expect it, according to Zhorne, a credentialed grief counselor. Reactions become disproportionate to circumstances, and our emotional, mental and physical well-being suffers.
We can continue to stuff the feelings, shove them away or numb ourselves until the losses become an ever-growing weight we carry around. “Then life is like running a race with a 500-pound weight on our necks and we wonder why life isn’t the happy, joy-filled experience we had always envisioned,” Zhorne recounted.
After his two children, Jeremy and Amelia, died in an auto accident in 1991, Zhorne discovered grief recovery, which was a way to “finish the unfinished emotional pain” and end the isolation and loneliness. By reconciling or getting complete with their deaths, he is now able to cherish their fond memories. They both left a legacy of love, not pain. Zhorne said at last he is able to remember his children for the way they lived, not just the way they died.
Such healing opens the way to joy and peace of mind. Recovery starts by being able to freely express all the thoughts and emotions connected with loss. Maybe it’s regret, which is often associated with loss. Or grieving the loss of unrealized hopes, dreams and expectations.
Recovery provides the correct tool to cherish fond memories of missing loved ones. Working through unresolved grief unblocks and heals relationships. We can learn to risk in intimacy again and find freedom to make healthy choices.
The Grief Recovery Program is offering a free community presentation on the tools and skills needed for working through significant emotional loss at 7 p.m., Thursday, October 13 at the Education Center, Christ Lutheran Church, 25816 N. Tournament Road.
For more information, call 661-733-0692 or visit www.TheGriefProgram.com.