After Death or Breakup How Can I Go On?

Fear is one of the most common responses to loss. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unfamiliar, fear of adapting to a dramatic change in all of our familiar behaviors and feelings. For example, when someone we love dies: How can I go on without them? Or, after a divorce or breakup: Where will I find someone as wonderful, as beautiful?
These fears are normal and natural responses to the end of long-term relationships. When acknowledged and allowed, the thoughts and feelings generated can be completed and diminish without serious aftermath.
But if we don’t feel safe enough to communicate our fears, then the fears themselves appear to be real and begin to define and imprison us. Some tend to bury their fears to avoid feeling judged by other people who seem to want us to feel better very quickly after a death or breakup. Others develop relationships with and loyalties to their fears. We believe them as if they were real. It’s as if we have shifted all of our energy to the fear so we don’t have to deal with the painful emotions caused by the loss.
Reminders of loved ones who have died, or relationships that have ended, will often take us on a rocket ride to the past, where we are liable to dig up a little regret. After thinking about that regret for a while, we might rocket out to the future, where we will generate some worry or fear. The point is that those fears we generate are often the result of these out-of-the-moment adventures. It may be helpful to remember this little phrase: “My feelings are real, but they do not necessarily represent reality.”
While fear is often the emotional response to loss, isolation is frequently the behavioral reaction. If isolation is the problem, then participation is a major part of the solution. Recovery from significant emotional loss is not achieved alone.
For the past 25 years, Jeff Zhorne, M.A., Grief Recovery Counselor, has offered workshops and counseling for those suffering the pain of loss. For more information, please call 661-733-0692.