Couples & Valentine’s Day: Are the 3 “Demon Dialogues” winning and your relationship losing?

Valentine’s Day. February 14th. Heart and candy, cards and kisses. Love and romance. Right? But for many it’s not a day of joy but instead a day of taking a hard, and often critical look at their marriage or life-partnership. Research shows that family law practices receive more phone calls around this holiday than at other times in the year, and for others, the promise of Spring ahead means they begin thinking of ‘cleaning house’ in more ways than washing windows and buying new patio furniture.
For therapists too, this time of year brings more enquiries for Couples Counseling. Most come to counseling hoping for help with ‘communication issues’ or something similar. But when I hear these complaints what I’m listening for are three patterns of interaction that embody the underlying ‘dance’ of emotional disconnection. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, created by clinician and researcher Susan M. Johnson, these patterns or dialogues are called the “Demon Dialogues”.
DEMON DIALOGUE #1: FIND THE BAD GUY
This is an attack-attack conversation couples do that usually escalates & rarely resolves conflict. It leaves each partner emotionally bruised, destroying trust and connection. And because it’s so painful, it’s difficult to maintain for an extended period. It usually leads to #2.
DEMON DIALOGUE #2: THE PROTEST POLKA
This is the attack-withdraw pattern where one partner pursues by making demands or criticizing to make a point which the other partner finds themselves trying to defend against. This partner soon gets overwhelmed, shuts down and withdraws. When one partner starts to shut down, it has a devastating effect on the other partner. They feel unheard, unseen and they react by protesting even more and escalating the fight. ç
DEMON DIALOGUE #3: FREEZE & FLEE
If the Protest Polka has been going on for a while, both partners may begin to feel hopeless and give up. The third pattern of withdraw-withdraw starts to emerge where both partners step back to escape from the relationship because they feel hurt. No one is reaching out and no one is taking risks. Only the barest, necessary connection required is occurring. This is unfortunately where many couples come to counseling.
So, now that Valentine’s Day is upon us, ask yourself, “Do I recognize any of the ‘demon dialogues’?” If you do, don’t despair. The first step is recognizing the pattern and then starting to separate it from the content of the issue. Then you can focus on the emotional connection with your partner which is necessary to create a truly great relationship. This work can be done together, or with a skilled Marriage and Family Therapist who understands improving connection, not just teaching communication skills.
Arlette Kassel is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Santa Clarita who works with adults and teens in individual, family, couples and group sessions. She can be reached at 661-464-0629, at arlettekassel@outlook.com or at www.arlettekassel.com.