Are We Teaching Our Children Real Self-Esteem, or Narcissism?

It is only natural to think that our children are amazing and wonderful. And they should know that we, as parents, love them unconditionally. But they should also know that the rest of the world may or may not love them, depending on how they treat others and themselves. A 47 year study of College Sophomores has indicated that over the last 30 years, diagnosable Narcissism has increased 30%! These students describe themselves as gifted and driven, even though their test scores and time spent studying are decreasing.
Why are young adults of this generation full of false pride? Maybe because their parents, and even the community, give them unconditional adulation no matter what they do. Maybe no one has told them they should try or work harder. As a psychotherapist, specializing in children, I can tell you that an ego that has never been tested, or had any real life trials, is fragile.
A very tall tree fell in a storm. The trunk was immense and the branches reached out far and wide. A local gardener noticed that the roots were very short, and indicated that this tree had so much water at the surface that it didn’t need to grow long roots in search of water. Hence, the whole tree was weak and fell in the storm. Children are the same. They need obstacles and struggles to grow strong. Learning to live up to challenges and surmount obstacles is what really builds true self esteem. Accomplishing a goal or finishing something that was difficult: that builds confidence! This does not mean that you don’t love and support them all the way. Set high expectations and encourage them to work through their struggles. When they misbehave, tell them so honestly, and ask them how they intend to fix it. Don’t solve every problem for them. This is how they become strong and responsible adults.
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