She went to bed early New Year’s Eve. He fell asleep on the sofa. He says, “She doesn’t care.” She says, “He can’t be bothered.” Most days, one works late and returns to find the other preoccupied in a computer game or watching television. He says, “It doesn’t matter if I come home, she doesn’t notice.” She says, “I expect him to ignore me, he doesn’t care whether I’m dead or alive.”
Month after month, each feels more alone with the one they want to love. Both are hurting in a relationship of their own making that offers anything but companionship, understanding, or affection. Surely, it didn’t start out this way. Each signed up for a ‘death-do-us-part’ kind of love, and ended up, instead, with disappointment, isolation, hurt, anger, yearning, and expenses. So each endures individual orbits of loneliness, wanting to be loved and feel love again.
My first client started therapy with me years after losing her husband to cancer and, only one month later, her son in a car crash. She remained inconsolable for nearly a decade. Her heart seemingly turned to stone. She withdrew from those she knew. She didn’t feel loved and didn’t feel loving. There was no end in sight. Within a few weeks, I encouraged her to visit the local shelter and adopt a pet. I told her if it didn’t work out, she could give it back. The next week she arrived to my office carrying an adorable fat, fuzzy, cuddly puppy. The spark returned to her eyes and she was warm, attentive, animated, and engaged.
Tragically, when she lost her dear husband and beloved son, she lost with them the primary receptacles into which she poured her affection. With this puppy she started ‘doing’ love again; she was able to be loved again too.
Love is not just a noun; something you have or don’t have. Love is a verb. It is an action – a behavior. Unless and until you ‘do’ it, you probably won’t feel much of it. If you are waiting to feel love before you ‘do’ love, you are losing precious time. I hope this Valentine’s Day season reminds us all to ‘do’ love before it’s too late.
Call Debbie to schedule a consultation for therapy/coaching in Valencia at 661-259-5986 or Encino at 818-385-0550.