It’s not uncommon to find ourselves fixated at the site of unresolved relationships. Young relationships are very intense, becoming a very important part of us. The person we become is greatly influenced by those early experiences. Sometimes, those early relationships end before we’re ready to move on. Our love may relocate or die or be denied access or choose to disappear without explanation. We existed as part of the relationship, so, when it ended, part of us was extracted from our being. When the rug is pulled out from beneath us, we lose our stability. To regain that stability, we seek out means to resolve the unfinished business.
For resolution, we may gravitate toward potential partners who remind us of that unresolved love. It may be physical attributes or lifestyle or hobby or personality. We assume that all brown-haired, green-eyed girls will be like our brown-haired, green-eyed unresolved love. We hope to resolve the past vicariously through this facsimile.
Unfortunately, the unresolved can never be resolved in a different setting with a different partner. The new partner knows nothing about the predecessor, so doesn’t know what’s expected. The new partner can’t help us to understand how the other relationship would have played out. The more we focus on how this person reminds us of the other, the less likely we’ll see this new person’s uniqueness, with different, and possibly better, qualities to offer.
Though we may gravitate toward seeking a replica, it’s usually easier to create a new relationship with someone who doesn’t strongly remind us of our unresolved past. Without constant reminders of the past, we can more easily see what’s developing in the present.
Hopefully, those who are going through intense young relationships, or care about those who are, can use this knowledge to understand the importance of giving a person closure. It’s hard to end a relationship, and we don’t want to add salt to the wound by criticizing the other person, but understanding the truth allows people to move on in their lives. Use tactful honesty to preserve the value of what you’ve shared.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.