Do you ever feel like you are walking on eggshells around your own home? Does your teen say you never understand them? Do consequences seem useless? Does the smallest issue cause a blow up? If you answer yes to these questions, your teen may have a strong-willed temperament.
The most common response of the parent of a strong willed teen is to attempt to gain control of their child and his or her behavior. This is often done by imposing restrictions, arguing, orchestrating their schedule or telling them what responses they are allowed to have. The result is impaired communication between parent and teen and increased rebellion. Sometimes parents report their otherwise happy, caring teens have sudden emotional meltdowns with behavior outbursts that can be almost scary. The truth is, the outburst is scary to them too, but because communication is poor, they won’t tell you how they’re feeling.
The strong willed teen’s behavior is emotionally driven. Often these are emotions that build from stress, social ups and downs, or any of the decisions they are faced with on a daily basis. They may not even be aware of the building emotions as they are happening. Then you tell them they can’t go to the football game or meet friends or you ask them about their homework and they go ballistic! The first thing to understand is that when your teen is reacting this way, they cannot be reasoned with and all the consequences in the world will not change their response. Give them space and time to calm down. When the feelings have subsided, then you can talk with them in a matter of fact and supportive way (not punitive or angry). Listen for feelings that are being expressed and reflect them back (such as “It sounds like you are frustrated with your teacher.”)
When they feel they are being heard and understood they are more likely to work with you to solve the problem rather than fight against you. This is the beginning to an improved relationship and making your home a more comfortable place to be.
If life at home has become unbearable or if the parent or teen’s anger has become physical, you should seek professional help.
For additional information, please call Laurie Adachi, MA, LEP, ABSNP at 661-255-2688.