More and more the story that comes through my office is the one of the child that never grew up. The son and daughter in their 20s, 30s, or even 40s that still depends on their parents to fix their problems, bail them out of financial crisis and worst case scenario give them a roof over their heads paying their way through life. As emotionally supportive parents it is part of your job to guide them and be there when they are in need, however not to the point where your help hinders their growth. The challenge for many parents is knowing where to draw the line. How do you know when to let them struggle a little to learn a survival lesson? How do you know when bailing them out is helping or hurting them?
The answer is not easy and is different for every family. Often the adult child is blamed for being lazy or irresponsible or spoiled. But sadly that behavior was taught to them. Sure there are many of us who have a personal striving for success built into our personalities. However there are many that need to be taught to go after their dreams, take action, fall, get up, learn from your mistakes and survive. If these personality types are handed their answers and never allowed to fail, they will never learn the tools to grow, change and make it on their own. For parents of those kids get the couch ready because they are moving back in, that is if they ever left!
The parent with the adult dependent child asks me all the time, ”How is this my fault?” It’s not your fault, however, you are a piece of the problem. Somewhere you realized that you could not handle their reaction to the word, No. Or perhaps you wanted to make up for the childhood struggles you had. It is very common for parents that have struggled in their youth to over compensate with their own children. So you hand them everything on a silver platter and make all of their problems disappear. The sad part for the child is that they never learn the joy of earning something on their own or of learning from their mistakes. In the process a huge life long issue is created for everyone. Sometimes by saying, No, you help them more than giving them the world!
Compassionate Solutions is located at 24359 Walnut Street in Newhall. For more information, please call Shauna Hoffman at 661-714-5137 and visit www.compassionatesolutionsscv.com.