We all have needs that we want satisfied within our relationship and most of us believe we are doing an excellent job at understanding the needs of our partner, but in fact we don’t. This is because our true needs exist on subconscious levels and to truly satisfy our partner, we must satisfy those subconscious needs which means we have to understand them first.
To feel happy we have to feel secure. There are many types of security: financial, intellectual, romantic, sexual, emotional, etc. If one area of our lives in insecure, the others suffer as well. The more of a priority an area is to the subconscious, the more suffering and in need of feeling secure we become, sometimes behaving in almost desperate ways to feel better. Each personality type prioritizes these areas differently.
There are two types of personalities. One subconsciously seeks security through external validation and relationship security is their number one priority. They want to feel connected to their partner and without this connection their subconscious influences their behavior to pursue it, sometimes through neediness and irritation. The other type seeks validation from within which makes them seem distant and withdrawn as they pursue their own interests to feel secure. This causes the first type to feel invalidated, i.e. insecure, and their subconscious feels desperate. The second type then feels resentment towards their partner’s need for validation and then real problems arise. In the first type, if the relationship is healthy and they feel validated by their partner, then life is good, regardless of other issues. The second one, however, cannot feel secure until all their other issues are secure and only then will they give attention to their relationship, causing again, the first one to feel invalidated. Confused? Maybe, but this paradigm exists in every relationship.
What do we do about this? The first type needs to give space, refrain from pursuing attention and validation. The second type needs to stop withdrawing and go towards their partner and validate them. When this happens, both feel more secure and their behavior is subconsciously modified. This profound behavioral understanding is too deep to be explored in this small editorial. I teach these behavior modifications to people in crisis every day whereby they learn to resolve their issues and meet each other’s needs again, like the honeymoon days. It is a life-changing strategy that must be experienced!
Scott Spackey is a Certified Life-Coach, Clinical Hypnotherapist, State Certified Counselor and Interventionist. For more information, please call 661-299-1966, email: Scott@Life-Mind.com and visit www.life-mind.com.