As the holidays approach the images and memories of our own childhood traditions, how it used to be, how it should have been, and what the holidays will be like this year may all be on your mind. Why? Because many of those traditions have changed for both you and your children. If you are a divorced parent beware that the holidays are likely to intensify feelings about the divorce, and generate stress and anxiety. So how do we celebrate life even though the family is no longer together?
It’s not about you or your ex. Please put your children’s feelings first! I often have adult clients who come in with painful memories of their divorced parents fighting at holiday time over which parent “got to have them” and for how long. Or parents who chose to introduce their children to their new boyfriend or girlfriend at holiday time, putting them in second place. These memories can last a lifetime. So pay attention to what is important, be flexible with the schedule, and don’t argue with your ex about the holidays in front of the children.
Be sensitive and flexible. Make your plans early so that the children will have time to prepare. Children ages five to 10 have the most difficulty with the transitions between one household to another, therefore the decision of where to go and when should be decided on by the parents. Younger children do not really understand the long term impact of their parents not living together; while older children may find it hard to choose where to go and when, and may wish to rotate holidays instead of trying to see each side of the family for every holiday. Listen to your children.
Give them permission to love both parents and both sides of the family. The holidays are meant to be full of family, sharing, love and togetherness. Allow your children to enjoy the special days; create new memories, and make new traditions for you and your family. Review the family calendar for the holidays with everyone about two weeks before so that there are no surprises. Enjoy your family time and keep it simple!
Need some guidance? Please contact Ann Aronin Hausman at 661-287-0124.