Develop realistic expectations for the holidays and you will be much more likely to enjoy them.
The holiday season is a time when family love, harmony and togetherness are fostered by songs, advertisements and the media. While this may be true for some families, the holidays can also be a period of increased family stress, and a time of false hopes and expectations. It’s a trap many of us fall into – holiday expectations, the shoulds and the should nots of the holiday season – what I expect, what I want and, worse yet, trying to live up to the expectations others have of us as well. Our culture bombards us from all directions with idealized images of the holidays. Additionally, we often carry our childhood holiday expectations forward and pass them on to our children. The reality is, your childhood holidays may have been wonderful because you had no responsibility for making the magic.
Children’s expectations start to rise with the arrival of the first holiday catalogs in September and the non-stop television and radio commercials that say buy me day and night until Christmas. The magnitude of these expectations, become apparent with your child’s first “wish-list.” While children’s unrealistic expectations are obvious, it is important to realize that adults have unrealistic expectations as well.
When our experiences do not live up to the ideal, we may feel disappointed, upset, or worse. This contributes to holiday stress.
If you have grown-up expectations, you won’t be so disappointed. Developing realistic expectations is one way to avoid the problem.
Money and Time
Money is a good place to start. Don’t fall for our culture’s materialistic message that expensive gifts are a sign of love and caring. Remind yourself that it is possible for your family to have memorable holiday experiences without spending a great deal of money. Discuss your financial situation as a family and develop a holiday budget based on realistic expectations of what you can afford. Stick to that budget.
Set realistic expectations about the sheer amount of things you will have time to do. You are likely to receive numerous requests during the holiday season. You may be asked to bake something and help out at your child’s holiday party, to attend a party at the boss’ house or to go caroling with a local organization.
These demands come on top of your plans to bake cookies with the children, decorate the house, wrap the gifts, complete the cards, finish the shopping and carry out your routine tasks. Even with good time management, it is sometimes impossible to get everything done without becoming tense, exhausted and irritable.
Have realistic expectations about what both you and other family members have time to accomplish. Say “no” to some requests. Don’t feel that the relatives will think less of you if you let the store wrap their gifts instead of wrapping them yourself. The cookies don’t have to be “homemade.” Don’t push yourself to the point where you and your family are too exhausted to enjoy the holidays and the only thing you feel when they are over is relief.
No One Is Perfect
While the “media” family is all smiles during the holidays, don’t expect all of your time with family to be characterized by love and harmony. Family problems do not magically go away.
It’s unrealistic to expect those in the family who have never gotten along to suddenly change when they arrive for a holiday dinner. If sibling rivalry is a problem with your children or grandchildren, it unrealistic to assume they will suddenly stop fighting during the holidays. If your daughter or granddaughter is two-and-a-half, it’s unrealistic to expect that she will not “act her age” when you want to take a family photograph.
Real people and real families are not perfect. Don’t expect them to be. The lesson here is to relinquish the expectations and scale down to a more manageable holiday routine.
Don’t cling to visions of a Norman Rockwell family moment. That happens only in paintings. Consider family problems when planning celebratory gatherings. If a family member drinks too much, avoid a dinner party and throw a dry holiday brunch instead. It’s okay to advise your family members and guests ahead of time that you choose not to serve alcohol in your home.
Never travel out of guilt. Have an honest conversation with your family about how difficult it is for you to make a trip during the holidays. Suggest visiting another time, when you’ll have more time to really see one another. If they don’t understand, consider that there may be something wrong on their end.
Traditions and Parties
It seems that traditions are often the fuel that sparks a holiday fire. Be flexible with your partner. Some traditions are definitely worth fighting for – but you may be able to let others go.
Make a list of all your traditions, from decorating to Christmas caroling. Keep the ones you love (forget about impressing other people), and cross off the ones you don’t enjoy.
Don’t force yourself to revel. If office parties or family gatherings are painful, honor your need to celebrate in your own private way.
But, don’t isolate yourself. Isolation is tough at any time of the year, but more so during the holidays. Seek out kindred souls and spend time with them. If you’re newly divorced, join a support group, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or shop for elderly neighbors so you have some human contact.
Asking guests to bring food to your holiday party is a good idea. Why should you have to do all the cooking when most people are perfectly happy with a potluck?
Don’t feel sorry for yourself if you have no parties to go to. Throw your own, and feel good inviting others who may not have invitations themselves.
Forgive Yourself or Find Help
Being grumpy during the holidays tends to make others miserable. It’s important to have compassion for yourself during the holidays. If you’re not in a celebratory mood, you’re not the only one.
Seek professional help if life doesn’t seem worth living. The sadness and depression you may be feeling may only be temporary, lasting through the first of the year. However, for those who suffer from depression and suicidal feelings, it is imperative to find help immediately.
If you are feeling spiritually disconnected, you may want to return to your church or synagogue. If that doesn’t work, go with friends to their places of worship. Don’t feel pressured to make a spiritual connection during this holiday. Set it as a goal to work on next year. Knowing you have a plan will help you feel better immediately.
Being realistic about the holidays is not being cynical. We are in the midst of a joyous and sacred time of the year when our hearts and minds should be filled with love and good will, not the frenzy of the get-it-done anxiety or the unrealistic expectations the holidays bring.
Here’s wishing all of you a joyful, relaxed holiday season, filled with love and happiness. Give yourselves a break, delegate some of those holiday details, or better yet allow some of those details to slip by. Being there for your family in a sound mind, body and spirit is ultimately more important.
Cary Quashen is a certified addiction specialist and the founder and president of ACTION Parent & Teen Support Programs and the ACTION Family Counseling Centers. Quashen may be reached at 661-713-3006. ACTION Parent & Teen Support Group meetings are held at Canyon High School, Tuesday evenings at 7:00 p.m. in A Buildings. High School is located on Whites Canyon Road and Nadal Street in Canyon Country.