Dealing with the helpless child is one of the most difficult issues of parenting. This is the child who is unable to make decisions, take appropriate risks, or work independently. As a result, adults spend inordinate amounts of time helping, providing reassurance, and encouraging the child to perform tasks that are well within his or her ability level. Sadly, helping the child backfires and he or she becomes progressively less capable of working without help or to interact in age appropriate ways with others. Once established, dependent behaviors are hard to change but early intervention can make a big difference in outcome.
The road to learned helplessness is long and complicated. The causes are many and vary depending upon individual circumstances but there are some common pathways to positive change. These include parenting behaviors that support decision making, self-reliance, and independent problem solving. Self-confidence is built upon a foundation of small successes. Every task accomplished independently increases the child’s perception of self as a competent individual.
Independent decision-making begins at a very young age when parents give children opportunities to make age appropriate choices such as which clothing to wear. Over time, choices become more complex such as whether to join a school club or go to a dance. This leads to even more difficult choice making such as what college to attend and what career to pursue. The child who has never had the opportunity to make decisions is handicapped in his or her ability to make important decisions as an adult.
Self-reliance is developed through opportunities to work independently at small tasks (think feeding and dressing oneself) and to successfully accomplish one’s goals. Children who are required to perform self-care tasks and to perform household chores become proficient at daily living skills and are more likely to try new activities and to be less afraid of making mistakes.
Finally, parents and teachers can encourage independent problem solving by allowing the child to face challenging situations such as arguments with peers or problems with school projects. There are times when the child is truly overwhelmed and adults must intervene. But often, the daily problems a child encounters are typical ones that can be solved with minimal adult involvement.
Learned helplessness is difficult to change once firmly established. There are parenting and counseling techniques, which are helpful but the best approach is early intervention.
For more information about this and other childhood problems call Ramona Hall, MA at 661-222-7332 or go to www.ramonahalleducationalpsychology.com or www.compassionatesolutions.com.