“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry _______.” If you’re like most people, you’re conditioned to automatically respond “alone.” If you’ve suffered a devastating loss such as death of a loved one, divorce or breakup, you may be trying to cope with these and other unspoken rules.
Here’s another one: “The way to get through grief is to just keep ______.” Did “busy” come to mind? These types of phrases are almost automatic responses. They are pieces of information stored in our belief systems from childhood, reports Jeff Zhorne, MA, grief counselor and director of Santa Clarita’s Grief Program.
When we encounter life’s inevitable losses, such as moving, menopause, retirement, empty nest or other life transitions, these are the rules from which we draw. When we were children, Zhorne explains, the adult authority figures in our lives, including parents, teachers, ministers and others, gave us this information in a sincere desire to be helpful. Trouble is, the information was probably not helpful. “Be grateful,” “Be strong” or “Get your mind off yourself,” are other pieces of information that may be true but do not help in matters of the heart.
This misinformation winds up creating a lot of unfinished business and unmet needs that we keep dragging into our new relationships and wondering why they keep ending up the same way. From the earliest ages unresolved fear and distrust can drive our lives unconsciously. Little wonder that Zhorne believes unfinished business from unresolved loss issues is at the root of every disorder in society.
Unresolved grief has a tendency to drain us of all energy, and loss of energy is a common reaction to grief. “Like a thermostat, the body shuts down when it reaches saturation and wants to go to sleep,” Zhorne explains. “We can call this depression, but the root is unresolved loss.
“Then you hear about people having breakdowns or having to go to anger management or seeing someone for depression or illness,” he continued. “Like a steam kettle with a cork in the top, people blow their tops or have blowups and blowouts.” People begin to shut themselves off from others. Anger, sadness and depression can interfere with their thinking processes.
More and more experts, including therapists, are seeing a real need for deep grief work – getting to root issues “to cool down this steam kettle or clear out emotionally clogged arteries,” said Zhorne. “That’s what we do in grief recovery.”
The Grief Program is offering a free community presentation on the tools and skills needed for working through significant emotional loss at 7 p.m., Thursday, May 24, at the Education Center, Christ Lutheran Church, 25816 N. Tournament Road.
For more information, call The Grief Program at 661-733-0692 or visit www.TheGriefProgram.com.