We have been taught what should be. We have developed our personal preferences of what should be. These all make perfect sense to us. How could anyone not be eager to take on our expectations? When presenting our expectations, we need to ask ourselves if we’d be as open to eagerly accept the expectations of others as we expect them to accept our expectations.
We think that these expectations we present should make perfect sense to others. Actually, we are putting obligations on them. Ask yourself whether what you have to offer has more value when you do it out of love and desire or when you do it out of obligation. No matter how much sense these expectations make to you, by turning them into obligations for the other person, what we actually get has less value than had we allowed them to understand our desires and then let them choose to show us that they care enough to pay attention to those desires or let us know that it is incompatible with who they are. People are different. We can’t expect everyone to see things as we do. Ask yourself if you can accept that this aspect won’t be part of your relationship. If that isn’t acceptable, then keep looking for a more compatible partner. If there is enough positive in the relationship to balance out this thing you thought was important, then focus on enjoying the positives rather than resent what is missing.
We are taught male and female stereotypes. Is there truly a law that states that men should provide for all financial desires of his family, validate his partner and fix everything that needs to be fixed, or that women should do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning and transform into a sexy lover at her partner’s whim? You may choose to do these things and enjoy doing these things, but who wants someone overseeing us and telling us what we should be doing? We prefer and enjoy what we choose to do. We resent and limit what we are obligated to do.
Obligating people reduces the value we get from them. Equality in relationships adds value. That doesn’t mean that the results need to be equal, but a legitimate effort has great value. Women can supplement the family income while men can help out in the home.
Keeping a relationship new and alive, along with financial stability, rests on the shoulders of both people. Any imbalance, in any area, will eventually create a problem in the relationship. Don’t take away your partner’s ability to eagerly show care and concern. Eliminate the pressure to perform and then learn to appreciate the reality of the relationship.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.