As a high-risk teen counselor, I have been working with teenagers for the past 30 years. If you are a parent of a teenager, you know like I do, adolescence is perhaps the most difficult stage in human development. It is fraught with battles for independence, self-expression, fitting in and balancing family and peer responsibilities, as well as relationships.
Parents with the best of intentions may find that they are unsuccessful in their efforts to help acting out behaviors. Unacceptable behaviors vary – some teens stay out after curfew or cut class, others steal or use alcohol or other drugs. Whatever the negative behavior, parents and caretakers often find themselves as unwitting enablers. That is, despite their good intentions, they end up enabling and in some instances, even encouraging the negative behavior to continue. Parents must be able to identify and change their enabling behaviors in order to successfully help teens who are acting out and that requires setting boundaries.
There’s a difference between boundaries and rules. Rules are often a win-lose proposition and boundaries tend to be a win-win proposition. Boundaries define what you will and won’t accept as a parent, and should come about because of what you believe is right for your teen and your family at this stage in your teen’s life. Many families tell me that when they shift from a win-lose to a win-win parenting style, they see a significant decrease in conflicts and power struggles.
We all have boundaries in our lives and they are only effective if they are established in advance. This way kids know what is expected of them and what the consequences are for not living within established boundaries. Kids must understand that disregarding boundaries means there are consequences for their actions. However, punishment should not be the only means of communicating boundaries.
Boundaries spring from family belief systems. Make sure as you begin developing boundaries that they are age-appropriate. Boundaries for younger kids are not usually the same for older kids. Make sure they are clearly understood and supported by both parents and family members. Let your kids help develop family boundaries thus allowing them to take ownership for their own actions and consequences.
Cary Quashen is the president and founder of Action Parent & Teen Support Group Programs, the Action Family Zone, and Action Family Counseling located in the Santa Clarita Valley. For further information call 661-297-4660 and visit www.actionfamily.org.