If it’s meant to be, it will be. That’s a common belief of most people. If a relationship were good, it would require no effort. This is untrue. All relationships need to be nurtured and energized indefinitely, unless you’re just waiting for the battery to go dead.
A good starting point would be asking yourself what you would appreciate experiencing in your relationship. Don’t just give your partner what you would appreciate. I don’t believe many wives would appreciate the latest tools. Be aware that just as you appreciate things from your partner, so would your partner appreciate things from you. Pay attention to your partner and see if you can identify what these might be. Don’t just ask to be spoon-fed. Once you identify some items, run them by your partner, to see if you’re accurate in your identification and interpretation. Ask your partner to share what would make this relationship special. Never ask if you don’t plan to follow through and address those desires.
Make sure that your partner feels safe. Our relationship needs to be a safe place to escape the stresses of life. If we just dump our feelings on the other, without considering the impact on our partner, we end up pushing that person away, or limiting communication to superficial subjects. Overreactions, criticism or demands will dilute the quality we share.
Seek out your partner’s input in all areas. Don’t assume that you already know your partner’s thoughts or that they’re irrelevant. We appreciate when others want to understand our perspective. When our partner doesn’t seek our input, we need to discover if that person doesn’t care or if our past responses created discomfort for our partner. Sharing perspectives doesn’t mean battling to be right or judging the other’s perspective. It is giving our partner a better understanding of us, how we see things and how they impact us.
When we delay prioritizing special time with our partner, due to limited time, energy or money, our relationship suffers. Quantity isn’t as important as quality. Making a regular quality 10-minute connection is better for a relationship than postponing for a vacation. The little things we do have more value and are more enduring than the sporadic big things.
Ask yourself which would enhance your relationship more: giving your partner $10 to buy groceries, or presenting the dinner plate with food arranged in a happy face? Everything doesn’t need to be a big performance; cuddling a little, with a sensual kiss, will have greater impact than just falling asleep, when we don’t have the energy for much more. Show appreciation for what you get, and you’ll enjoy the results.
For more information to discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.