If you will tell me why the fen appears impassable, I then will tell you why I think that I can cross it if I try.”- Marianne Moore
In California we describe divorce as “dissolving” a marriage. This is a clear message that California would like to strip the divorce process of the emotional aspects that often led to hostility between couples and the damage to their children. A “dissolution” is a cold expression that lacks the more angst producing term “divorce.” But, ending a family structure cannot deny the emotional currents that push and pull while trying to tend to the “business” of divorce.
While divorce mediation can be justified simply by the lower cost, swifter results, and the comfort of avoiding the courtroom, it is also the best approach suited to sort out both the business aspects and the emotional aspects in divorce.
It is primarily the emotional aspects in divorce that create impasses in negotiation of divorce issues. Jeff Kostis and Ellene Lammers, in an article published recently in the American Journal of Family Law, identified six barriers to successful negotiation: 1) a client who can’t seem to “let go” of past hurts; 2) clients who can’t or won’t see their spouse’s point of view; 3) cases where one partner has been extremely involved in family matters while the other seemed to be aloof; 4) couples who have difficulty “fighting fair” and continue to press emotional buttons in each other; 5) refusal by one or both to create sufficient trust that agreements will be followed; and 6) unwillingness to accept reasonable offers (sometimes a way to delay the end of the marriage).
A divorce coach sometimes helps an individual as a support system with these impasse gremlins, but in mediation, it is part of the role of the mediators to recognize emotional patterns and defuse their power to disrupt in order to move past these barriers. Mediators will help couples by modeling behaviors, sharing personal and former clients’ experiences, taking breaks in the negotiation and occasionally having separate meetings to cool the emotional climate.
The mediator reminds the client to keep their eye on the prize (just as the mediator must).
For more information contact the Center for Cooperative Divorce at (661) 255-9348 or visit us online at www.centerforcooperativedivorce.com.