As adults, we assume that negative feelings, unhappy events, or unpleasant relationships will destroy a child’s self-esteem. We think of self-esteem as a permanent attribute — like eye color. In reality self-esteem is a lifelong journey that is inextricably connected to our relationships across the life span and to our personal accomplishments.
Our relationships with our families, friends and co-workers all affect the way we view ourselves in the world. This self-view evolves over time and changes with our life experiences. But rarely does one event suffice to change one’s self-perception and affect overall self-esteem. Rather, it is the cumulative effects of many interactions with others and with our environment, which shape our feelings about ourselves.
A sense of personal accomplishment is necessary to the development of high self-esteem. Each time we learn a new skill, overcome an obstacle, or reach a goal, we grow more certain of our ability to effect change. In turn, this feeling of self-efficacy translates into a willingness to set higher goals and to risk potential failure in the future. The ability to take appropriate personal risks is highly correlated with self-esteem as both a predictor and an outcome. Success builds upon success and predisposes us to make future attempts. By the same token, when we seldom or never succeed, we are much less likely to strive for the same goal in the future.
As parents and teachers, we can contribute enormously to children’s growing self-esteem in several ways. Adults can provide good role models by respecting and accepting themselves and others. They can allow children opportunities to achieve success early so that they develop a sense of mastery and self-efficacy. With trust and encouragement, adults can help children to set and reach realistic goals. Children can be taught that errors and failures are experienced by everyone and that they are a natural part of any learning process. And, finally, adults can provide living and learning environments that promote affirming, positive relationships.
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