In choosing a partner, we wonder if what we want to see will exist forever. Though something might feel good for now, how do we know what lasts and what changes? What training have we had, qualifying us to know what to look for in a life partner? Too often I hear parents say, “I did the best I knew how.” How can we enter anything as important as marriage or parenthood accepting the knowledge we’ve picked up by observing our surroundings as good enough? It reminds me of Professor Hill in “The Music Man.” He promoted the “Think Method.” All that was necessary was to think about the song. The rest would come naturally. Will we enter marriage or parenthood based on a scam artist’s promises? Rather than blindly believing, first ask some basic questions of your potential partner and of yourself.
Am I choosing this person based on what exists or what I believe can or will exist? Never choose partners based on their potential or belief that they will change. Base your decision on actions, not promises or beliefs. Prior patterns are better indicators of the future than quick changes to win a person over. Self-motivated changes tend to be more enduring than changes requested or demanded by others. Have that person explain the objective in changing. If it is merely to hold onto you, that person probably doesn’t understand the value of what you are seeking.
How motivated is this person to prioritize the relationship and you? Don’t assume that this person will outgrow self-centeredness. Get a clear understanding of what the relationship and you mean to this person. Vague clarification could mean that this person doesn’t have a clear understanding to share. Would you sign a contract where the other person only agrees to do what feels good? Are you there to enhance this person’s life, or just be a tag-along, or are you creating something new and special together?
What impact do your feelings have on this person? When this person doesn’t take the time to discover and understand your feelings, on a regular basis, the investment in you is limited. Does this person see your feelings as your problem or something that becomes a higher priority to that person? Hearing this person say, “My week was good,” when yours was stressful, is a major red flag.
Have you discussed all aspects in advance? Talk about expectations, dreams, fears, concerns and how the relationship might change along with the impact on each individual. Don’t assume that you have the same picture, just because you are using the same words. Find out what is important to this person and share what is important to you.
To discuss this or other issues, Dr. Levine can be reached at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.