People talk of strength and power as being similar and positive in most aspects of life. I want to redefine the words and clarify their role in a relationship. Strength can be physical or mental and requires no action. Power is all about action. It is the use of (or threat to use) real or implied strength to accomplish one’s goals.
People who study karate are taught to respect the strength of the knowledge and ability, feeling confident in the knowledge that strength exists yet holding back on using it unless truly necessary. Their true strength is in not using it against others. In judo, a person’s strength doesn’t need to be within his or her muscles, for it is the knowledge of how to use the other person’s force against them.
Power is about the use of implied or actual strength. Power is used to accomplish goals. The question is whether those goals are strictly personal or consider the well being of the other person. Threats, control and manipulation use power for selfish purposes. In relationships, the person using power generally has low self-esteem and feels weak inside. They tend to use power to get the upper hand, fearful that the other might get it first. Those who are most controlling tend to be most fearful of being controlled.
A healthy relationship is based on equality, with neither person needing to put the other beneath. A relationship’s true strength comes from trust and team effort. The common goal of the couple is the advancement of the relationship while respecting and supporting the advancement of each individual. The lack of use of strength, as power, against the other shows true and healthy strength.
There are many women who seek out powerful men, assuming that this power will be used for them, not against them, yet people who use power often use it indiscriminately. Women who seek out “bad boys” to feel safe often feel unsafe with them; though, since they feel they need them, will convince themselves that they are safe and deserve any power used against them.
When I see power used in a relationship, it is generally an abusive relationship, with that power used against individuals. Strength in a relationship is a stabilizing force. It leads to greater depth, security and accomplishment, for the results of teamwork exceed the cumulative results of individuals. Unlike strength, power tends to be inconsistent and unpredictable. Think twice before you seek or use power in a relationship. Will it truly help you to feel better about yourself and improve your relationship?
To discuss this or other issues, call Dr. Levine at 661-251-7748 or 661-269-4704.